EMS Strong: No one fights alone

EMS Strong: No one Fights Alone

                 " You have to be a little bit crazy to do this job..."

      Over three years ago I started working in EMS. I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into. It has been a life changing experience for sure. I thought in honor of EMS week I would share a few of my thoughts and stories. 

***disclaimer: the following are my experiences and thoughts. they don't represent anyone but myself. ***

      Working in private EMS you are definitely not in it for the money. I work hard for the money, there is no doubt about that. I work four 12 hour shifts minimum in a week. Then add working in Fresno, CA and life gets interesting fast. To put in perspective, in the little over three years I have worked in Fresno, I have over 3,000 patient contacts. It is a triple threat of a city. Large low income population, large drug use and gang population, and has one of the dangerous highways in the U.S. run through it. There is never a dull moment in the city. I am thankful for my job and the experience I am gaining through working in Fresno, but there are definitely days I wish my paycheck was larger. 


                 The difference between an EMT and Paramedic

   I frequently get asked if there is a difference between an EMT and a Paramedic. Yes. Yes there is a difference. I have worked in both positions. EMTs are fantastic. They have BLS ( basic life support skills) down. They can help bandage, splint, protect airways with basic maneuvers and airway adjuncts. They are the muscles behind CPR. Another kind voice and support in all of the madness. In some systems they are it. They are the ones who come and care for you in he craziest of circumstances but they have their limits. 
        Paramedics are the highest level of care in the per-hospital setting. We get to use all the fancy tools and have a significant drug box to pull from depending on the EMS system we work in.  I highly encourage those who don't really fully grasp a pramedic's skill level to look up their national scope of practice. You would be amazed at what all we can do. 
    Some days it bothers me when people just brush off what I can do or think I am just an ambulance driver. Really stop and think for a moment....if I was just an ambulance driver why did you call 911? 
And remember.........

        When I show up at your door I am it. You don't get to pick and choose who shows up.........

     There have been several occasions where I have showed up and been told that the caller specifically requested that a female does not respond to their house. I have also showed up and had someone running out of the house with a cane screaming, " No men! No men! I told them females only". It was a very awkward situation to say the least. I have had people refuse to talk to me because I was a female. They wanted help and were sick but because I was a female they were not going to talk with me. So I placed them in the back of my ambulance and drove them to the hospital. Thankfully though they waited to projectile vomit until they made it to the hospital bed. I have been told you can't lift me we need the fire department. You don't get to pick and choose who shows up at your door when you call 911. I know it is a crazy concept. Closest unit gets dispatched (or so dispatch tells us. But I do wonder sometimes).
I do promise if I show up though, I will make sure there is the appropriate resources available to help you in your emergency. If you don't like me because I am a girl......well sucks to be you I guess. 

                       Why did you bring them here......

   

    To the triage staff......

Please don't ask me why I brought someone to your hospital. They chose to come to your hospital. They have the right to chose. They are here now here so stop giving me grief for doing my job and for honoring the patient's right to chose the hospital of care. You look very dumb for asking such a question. If you don't like it, then help change the rules to closest appropriate facility with the county and state. 

   To the ED staff......

Some days I don't have it all together. Believe it or not, I don't speak six languages or have the ability to look into the magic crystal computer at the hospital to see all of the patient information. If they don't tell me, I don't know it. I don't have security at my immediate disposal. I will miss things, but not because I don't care. Believe it or not I like my job and I am good at it. If I didn't do something it is because I can't based on a protocol or the patient wouldn't let me. 

     
       I see your pain. I see your grief. I feel the overwhelming sadness and grief that led you to take your life.........I hate the unfairness of the airbags not deploying and the seat belt not doing its job........I feel the weight of declaring your loved one dead. It is not an easy decision or one I wish I had to make.......

    I always knew that I would show up on hard and emotionally challenging calls. It was not if but a when. I can say there have been very few hero moments and many what in the world did I get myself into moments over the past three years. When my husband came on a ride along a while back it really hit home how normal being a witness to suffering had become. It is a normal occurrence but I am not immune to the effects of witnessing. I have learned how to grieve and mourn the hard moments. I have been close to walking away from it all. 
   For those who have to call us in your moment of crisis or grief, we see it. We want to step in and fix it but sometimes we can't. I wish more than anything I could take the pain away. 
  To the mother who lost her child, I will never forget the overwhelming grief and wail of sorrow when you were told your child was dead. To the drunk driver who walked away with minor injuries but permanently harmed and killed others...my dislike and hate will always be there. To the foster kid stuck in a terrible spot and having no desire to live any more.....please try again and take it one day at a time. 
I am a full believer in that time heals. Time helps bring perspective and shows goodness where there once was darkness. The hard calls are never going to go away. We live in a broken world. 
And as one of my coworkers shared with me when I was at rock bottom, "Bad things happen...period. That is never going to change. But you take it one call at a time. Learn from the mistakes and move on. You have to or it will destroy you. Whatever move on looks like to you but you have to move past it".

 

   There is nothing better than working with awesome people. It makes the time go faster, and when things get crazy they have your back. I have made some awesome friends at work. People I know that no matter what happens have my back. That is how I believe we stay "EMS strong" you could say. You need those people who are just as crazy as you to make it through all of the madness. They help you come back to center when you are stomping and jumping around in the ambulance bay at all the stupidity that just happened. They are the ones to be there to help you clean up the disaster in the ambulance and help you find a few laughs after a terrible call. They are the ones that check in on you to make sure that you stick around. 
To end this I thought I would end with a few pictures of some of the people who have helped me stay sane (sane enough). 
My battle buddies. 

Life is better with homemade lemon bars

First summer solo kicking butt

My big brothers who continually watch my back and keep any eye on me. 

The Ghosts that Follow Me

The Ghosts that Follow Me

In a city that I see the depths and the darkness it holds,
        the ghosts follow me.

I hear the piercing, gut wrenching cry of a mother who just lost her child.
I see her child's face. I see her weep. I grab my gear....
       and the ghosts follow me.

I see the teenagers blood on my hands,
I smell the iron. Nothing I do can get the smell of blood out of my nose.
I am handed a graduation medallion and my heart breaks.
         the ghosts follow me.

I am greeted by a loved one and they tell me their dearly loved spouse is really sick.
We move their loved one to our gurney and I hear the last breath they take.
We call for an extra unit and start compressions.
         the ghosts follow me.

I hold the hand of a patient going to a care facility for their lasts moments on Earth.
As they struggle to breath, I sit there and talk to them about the weather.
I tell them they are not alone.
Family is not there waiting for them at the destination. They are alone. So I sit there and hold their hand.
         the ghosts follow me.

I see the car in flames. I see the two people inside.
I pray like I never prayed before that the trauma got them first.
      the ghosts follow me

I see the one who was forgotten. Who was cast out.
Who looks me in the eyes and shows me they have nothing left. They can't fight any longer.
Why does it matter no one wants them anyways.
I try my hardest to talk. To come up with words to fill the darkest, deepest void.
I am speechless.
I walk them to the hospital bed. I grab my gear....
    the ghosts follow me


Every day it seems like a new ghost comes. I fall asleep and they are there. Any form of iron smell puts me back in the ambulance. I cannot drive through the city without feeling the sadness and heartache that cries out. Will I ever be able to remove these ghosts?

A light calls out in the darkness.
One of Hope.
One of Love.
A father who calls his children to him
One who says to cast all your cares on him.

Then before the cross I kneel. I cry. I wail.
LORD why so much pain! Why so much sadness! Why did you put me there.

I kneel before the Father. One by one, I show him the ghosts that follow me.
He listens. He reminds me that he is there. He is there in the darkness.
He despises evil. He reminds me that I am weak....BUT..... HE is STRONG.
The LORD God never leaves me. He is there in the midst of sadness.

In this world you will have struggles but take heart.....I have overcome the world. His promise.
One day there will be no more sadness. No more pain.
I will help place your ghosts to rest.

I lay my head on my pillow and sleep. Where there once was darkness there is light.



"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."   John 1:1-5

Paramedic School

     

         Paramedic School is an adventure.......no.. it is where you go to learn to save lives....no..wait            that's not it.......... Paramedic school is where you slowly lose any sanity you thought you ever had.             

                

   These past 10 months have been absolutely crazy. Believe it or not though I have learned a lot, and had some fun while doing it. Here is just a short list of the things that describe Medic school so far. I still have a few more months left, and I have no doubt I will learn and experience many more things as I continue down this path. 

1. Working full time and going to school full time is not an easy task 

    For 8 of the past 10 months I have been working full time and going to school full time. The most challenging thing I have ever had to do. Full time work week is 48 hours. Then add in 24 hours of physically showing up to class. (Some days my brain didn't follow me to class) Oh yeah and don't forget to add studying in there.....and maybe see family or friends. Trust me there are not enough hours in the week. I am thankful to say that I am finally part time at work (36 hours) now, but my bank account doesn't like me so much now. 

2. To sleep or to eat... that is the question 

    I never thought the decision to eat or sleep could be such a monumental decision in a day. Or how many times I would only have enough energy to do one or the other. Most days sleep definitely trumped food. 

3. Friends are key to survival

     First day of class we got to pick a table to sit at. Little did we know at the time, but that table of people would be the key to surviving. I am so thankful for the group I ended up sitting with. Some days they were the only reason I didn't just stand up and walk out of class when things got ridiculous. Many tears, angry spouts and moments of success.

I am also very thankful for the friends I have made at work. They have helped me through a lot of hard calls at work, and helped me get a relief from the stress in class. Friends are key to survival. There is no way I could make it through by myself. 

4. Paramedic School. Where everything is made up and the points don't matter 

      When I first started the classroom portion I was in full nerd mode. I did all the homework and kicked but on the tests. As we went on in class, the tests got more stupid and directions from the instructors became more muddy. The best video clip I was shown by one of my paramedic partners was the, Whose Line is it Anyways clip, where Drew Carey states over and over again how everything is made up and the points don't matter. Best advise I got through the classroom portion of school. I gained a little more of my sanity back after that. I have learned in Field Internship that book knowledge is a great foundation to have, but there is so much more to it. 

5. The hospital is not a place for me

      Going to the different  hospitals for clinical rotation was definitely a once in a lifetime experience. In Fresno we have a Level 1 Trauma hospital, children's hospital and several general hospitals. At the Level 1 Trauma center hospital there is also the only burn center in the central valley. Going to the different ERs and spending time in the Children's post-op and the burn unit was a very unique and cool experience. Getting the opportunity to learn about the different resources available, and seeing what happens after we bring patients to the hospital was very interesting. It made me very thankful for those who chose to work in the hospitals. Ultimately I learned that the hospital is not a place for me. Made me realize how much I love working in the field. 

6. Working in the back of an ambulance is challenging. 

      Starting an IV in a hospital verses in the back of a moving ambulance are two very different things. For starters, you have so many more helping hands in the hospital. Second, you have full access to all areas of the patient. In the back of the ambulance the gurney is locked up against a wall. Making the patient's left side not easily accessible. When the only good arm for an IV is on the right side, things get a little tricky in the back of the ambulance. I can say I have already been thrown into the bench seat. Not a fan of that, but at the end of the call you have a good story to go with it. Learning to work in a small space, in a moving unit, with a limited amount of time is how we kick butt. 

7. A good teacher is priceless

      I am very thankful for the teachers in class, the nurses in the hospitals and my preceptor. They all have taken the time to help me learn skills and coach me along the way when I have needed some direction. I am very thankful for the nurses who took the initiative to help me learn how to start IVs, push medications and let me help with hard cases. Not everyone has to gift of teaching or the patience to deal with a timid paramedic student. And Lord bless my paramedic preceptors. The level of patience they have is amazing. 

8. My husband is a super hero

    My husband has had to put up with so much this year. He has had to deal with me being completely absent at times. Super stressed. Bawling my eyes out from so much emotional stress. Not once has he ever questioned what I do. We have had a lot of low moments this year. I am thankful though we have had a lot of good moments as well. Some days I have no idea what is going on in my husband's life and it kills me. I have been reminded many times that thankfully this will only last for just a short time. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. 

9. This is not a job for the faint of heart

There have been a lot of gut check moments while I have been working this year. A lot of calls where I am left wondering ,when it is my turn in the hot seat, will I be able to do this job. Will I be able to look people in the eye and tell them that their loved one is dead. Will I have the composer it takes to step into a crisis and bring some kind of order to the chaos.

Right now, I feel  like I did when I was four standing at the end of the diving board for the first time. I remember standing at the edge holding my two empty milk jugs thinking what is going to happen when I jump. My swim teacher told me that the milk jugs would help me stay above water, and I believed her but I  still had my doubts. As I stood there at the edge and looked in the deep dark water, I really wondered if I was gong to sink or swim. If I did start to sink, would I remember what my teachers told me about kicking and holding my breath? As I slowly make it through field internship I am left wondering if I am going to remember everything I was taught or am I going to sink. 

10. You can't be afraid to make mistakes

 The lessons I learn after I make a mistake are the ones I never forget. I have been and will continue to make mistakes. I will miss things or fail to treat things I should have. The best thing I an do though is get back up and learn from the mistake. 

     Being a paramedic student has been one of the hardest yet most rewarding things I have done. There is nothing else I would rather be doing. For the first time in my life I don't feel like i am trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. This is not easy and no I do not get paid anywhere close enough for all of this madness. But at the end of the day I always want to go back to work. I love that I get an opportunity to make a difference in my community and some days get to be a part of saving someones life. So I keep fighting and kicking butt. 

A Place to Call Home

It is hard for me to believe that it is already the middle of September. It seems it was just yesterday the beginning of January, just starting into the new year. So many things have happened since then. Honestly, a lot has happened since the beginning of August. It feels like a life time ago. For all my family and close friends out there wondering what is coming next for Thomas and I here is just a short blurb of the last month and a half of our life......

   In July Thomas went underway with the ship for about a month. Longest month of my life. It just really hit both of us just how tired we are of military life and being always a part from one another. I was just tired of it all. And after this last week I am so over anything military. Thomas and I are so thankful for the Navy and all that God provided through the Navy, but we both just had that feeling of, it is time to move on.

   Yes, Thomas could easily go into the Coast Guard. In reality nothing would really change for me or fro Thomas if we went that route. It would like be deciding to put on another coat after you got tired of always wearing the same one. While it was a comforting transition it was very defeating all at the same time. So we decided to really trust God and REALLY be open minded to where God wanted us to go.

  In August we went and visited Thomas' family and friends in California. Up to this point I had pretty much closed the door to ever even thinking about the idea of living in California. Trust me, there were many other places in the world I would rather have looked into living. But I decided to stop being stubborn and spend lots of time in prayer and being open to new ideas. Thomas and I were just seeing if there was any way possible we could live outside of military world. We asked God to show us and make it obvious. I prayed so hard that doors would be slammed in our face if we were to really go into the Coast Guard.

Well God slammed doors and he opened a big one...........

  We looked into a "little" city north of Fresno called Oakdale. While there were opportunities there wasn't enough to make it into something. By just looking it opened our eyes to the idea of owning a home and being together all the time. Through different conversations with friends and family we started looking into living in Fresno. Honestly we were just passively looking. Curiosity got the best of us and we wanted to see if we could really afford to live there. The next set of events all happened within three days....

  Thomas looked into started back into school and using the G.I. benefits and what all would come of that, I sent e-mails to several relaters about houses and applied to American Ambulance in Fresno. I ended up hearing from one relater about a house so the next day we went and met with him at the house. The house was a failure, let's just say we found our self on a bad side of town. But we did end up meeting an awesome relater that would help us out with the remainder of our house searching process. He is a great-grandpa and has been in the real estate business since 1970. He spent 20 years in the service and helped us figure out all this house buying stuff. I was just so very thankful to meet him. He got us pre-approved, so we new how much in the end we could afford. And Thomas and I were both surprised that there was actually a possibility that we could buy a house. :-)

  The next day we met with the same relater to look at two houses we picked out the day before to look at. Thomas and I had very specific parameters on what we wanted to buy. Honestly I thought there was no way. Again we just went fro curiosity sake. Just so we would know for when Thomas got out. We had a very specific price range, 3 bedroom/2 bathroom request, and had to be move in ready. The first two houses we looked at did not meet that. So we were kind of ready to just be done. Then our relater showed us one house that had just come on the market that morning, and asked if we would be interested in seeing it. From the description on paper it looked promising, but we had already looked at three houses at that point that had looked promising on paper. Needless to say when we stepped into the house I just knew this was it. From the kitchen, to the beautiful thick carpet and the layout of the house, I was sold. (For those of you who have heard my carpet rant know just how exciting nice thick carpet is ) We told our relater we wanted to put in an offer fro the house.......and 24 hours later......it was ours! Yep, we were now starting the process of buying a house of our very own. Total shock.
  The remainder of our time we spent doing our research about jobs and what all the benefits would include for Thomas going back to school. I almost had an interview with American Ambulance while I was there. I ended up just missing one piece of paperwork and they wouldn't give me an interview without it. I was bummed but hopeful that once we got down there I would have a very good chance of getting hired by them. Thomas' school benefits included money for housing which we found out would cover the mortgage, plus give us money for bills. He also would have a job right away as well.
Again, mind...blown.

 Thomas and I sat down and talked about it all. We realized that without working very hard at all on our part, God had laid out everything before us. It is true that God hears and he answers prayers. This is not the most comfortable option. It scars me to death sometimes when I think about it. Starting over is never easy but we don't have to start over on our own. It ends up opening up so many more possibilities than we ever thought. When we finally took God for who he was, he showed us that he has bigger and much better things planned for us than we had planned for ourselves.

So all of this means......
 On October 31st we will be driving a big U-haul truck and our car out of Washington state to Fresno, California. So very thankful for the friends coming on this road trip with us to help us out.
We are still in the paperwork process of our house but we having a closing date on it for October 15th and our loan is approved and locked into place. I have begun the task of sorting, organizing, throwing away and packing up the house. Right now at this moment it seems like I am standing at the bottom of a huge mountain and have to figure out how to climb it. Right now God is pushing me to trust him with finances. A very growing experience. He is pushing me to trust him with the future. And for once in my life all I can think about is just the next step in front of me. It is a very humbling and growing place to be in. Buying a house long distance is a challenge. ;-) I am excited and thankful though for the new opportunities and blessing that lie ahead.

Just so very excited and thankful that we will finally have a place to call home......;-)

Romantic Crap, that it is just that, Crap

 *Disclaimer* This is not a post at all in reference to my husband. He is loving, kind and I love being married to him. This post is strictly about the icky feelings of being a military wife stuck in the middle of military life


Today is just a hard day. Thomas has been underway for 2 weeks and it is just wearing on me. On top of him being gone it has been four days since I heard anything from him. And for all you wives who say 'only four days well my goodness I have gone weeks' but I have no doubt at 4 days, 1 week, 2 weeks, etc. you are feeling the same way I am feeling right now. No matter how many days or weeks, when we don't hear from our guy it sucks. And what sucks even more is when you know the work environment they are in sucks too and there is nothing you can do about it. You just hope and pray they at least can read the e-mails you have sent so they aren't so miserable. Days like today nothing works. No romantic quotes about loving a sailor/solider through the distance, how it is all worth it stuff makes a no bit of difference. Because all I want to do is look at the person and roll my eyes and walk away. I am physically agitated, emotionally tired and frustrated. If I played soccer right now I would be playing till I probably hurt myself. Just playing till every inch of my body couldn't feel anymore.

   I know there is going to be that random person who by chance reads this and thinks oh how pathetic I sound and say well you signed up for this. You knew what you were getting into. And yes while I knew that I would be marrying a guy in the military, the Navy is a whole different animal than the military I knew. And just because you know the bridge is going to fall a part when you drive over it doesn't mean it hurts any less on the way down.
Over 75% of the time Thomas and I have been together we have been a part. We didn't expect that to happen but it did. We have made it work. And it is worth it. Through all the hard times apart I am so thankful for Thomas. It is not Thomas I am frustrated with. Thomas I know would be home in a heart beat. Thomas loves me and he loves being married to me. Just like I love being married to him.
Unless you have been or are going through this kind of life it is hard to understand.

You stuff emotions so you can survive. If you didn't you would be stuck on the couch in your pjs watching sad movies. (been there, done that). You find ways to move past the emotions and focus on what is in front of you. For me I spend a lot of time in prayer and my Bible. There are days I spend angry at God. But it helps me to know that he is watching over all of it. All of this isn't without purpose. That helps me make it through to the next moment. Then I put on my big girl panties and I start the day. Knowing that God is here with me. I don't have any motivation to do anything, but he gets me through to the next step. I would love for life to be put on hold until Thomas got back. But that isn't how life works. So I keep moving. One step at a time. The sadness and anger come. But then if I keep holding on to God's promises there is Joy.

I am angry, frustrated and sad. I am broken, heartbroken, and devastated by lost time and missed words. BUT......I am loved by Thomas and my God. More than I could have ever imagined. I have no job or specific purpose right now other than to be a wife who takes care of everything at home while my husband is away and do what God has asked me to do for each day. For now that is enough.

Pieces

Pieces


I sit here looking at the broken pieces not knowing what to do.
Each one a piece of this life that you have given me.
Energy, sweat and tears marking each piece.
As I sit here in the pile I wonder what on Earth I am suppose to do.
I cannot see how they go together.
Each one beautifully crafted by you.
Each one full of great significance.

I earnestly seek you God to show me what pieces go together.
You are the great designer and I am at a loss.
While I can see each separate piece I cannot see the puzzle.
I am tired and worn.
I cannot bear to carry the weight alone.
Show me Lord, please show me.

I do not have much to offer you.
I am weak and poor.
My strength grows weak and my heart grows faint......

BUT I choose this day to HOPE.
I put my HOPE in your great plan.
That you will not leave me to waste away.
You hear my cry in the midst of the uncertainty.
You hold my heart in the palm of your hand.

Hold the pieces in your hands Lord.
Place them together.
Show me where to go.
Help me to follow.
Be my strength and my guide.

Psalm 145

The Character of God:

   If you ever wonder who God is and what is his character all you have to do is spend some time reading through the Psalms and you will find Him.

Character of God revealed in Psalm 145:

  Some words I found that the Psalmist used to describe God and their definitions:

Gracious: marked by kindness and courtesy
Compassionate: feeling or showing concern for someone who is sick, hurt, poor, etc..
Faithful:firm in adherence to promises, having or showing true constant support
Loving: feeling or showing love
Righteous: morally right, free from guilt or sin

All that He does:

"slow to anger, rich in love..."
"upholds all those who fall, lifts up all who are bowed down..."
"satisfy the desires of every living thing..."
"is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth..."
"fulfills the desires of those who fear him..."
" hears their cry and saves them..."
"watches over all who love him...."


My response after reading, learning and experiencing  God is none other than praise to Him. Standing in awe of the things he has done and what he is going to do. I praise his name so others will come to know who he is, as the Psalmist put it. So others will know of his might and great wonders he has done.
 Verse 21: " My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD. Let every creature praise his holy name for ever and ever".