The Ghosts that Follow Me

The Ghosts that Follow Me

In a city that I see the depths and the darkness it holds,
        the ghosts follow me.

I hear the piercing, gut wrenching cry of a mother who just lost her child.
I see her child's face. I see her weep. I grab my gear....
       and the ghosts follow me.

I see the teenagers blood on my hands,
I smell the iron. Nothing I do can get the smell of blood out of my nose.
I am handed a graduation medallion and my heart breaks.
         the ghosts follow me.

I am greeted by a loved one and they tell me their dearly loved spouse is really sick.
We move their loved one to our gurney and I hear the last breath they take.
We call for an extra unit and start compressions.
         the ghosts follow me.

I hold the hand of a patient going to a care facility for their lasts moments on Earth.
As they struggle to breath, I sit there and talk to them about the weather.
I tell them they are not alone.
Family is not there waiting for them at the destination. They are alone. So I sit there and hold their hand.
         the ghosts follow me.

I see the car in flames. I see the two people inside.
I pray like I never prayed before that the trauma got them first.
      the ghosts follow me

I see the one who was forgotten. Who was cast out.
Who looks me in the eyes and shows me they have nothing left. They can't fight any longer.
Why does it matter no one wants them anyways.
I try my hardest to talk. To come up with words to fill the darkest, deepest void.
I am speechless.
I walk them to the hospital bed. I grab my gear....
    the ghosts follow me


Every day it seems like a new ghost comes. I fall asleep and they are there. Any form of iron smell puts me back in the ambulance. I cannot drive through the city without feeling the sadness and heartache that cries out. Will I ever be able to remove these ghosts?

A light calls out in the darkness.
One of Hope.
One of Love.
A father who calls his children to him
One who says to cast all your cares on him.

Then before the cross I kneel. I cry. I wail.
LORD why so much pain! Why so much sadness! Why did you put me there.

I kneel before the Father. One by one, I show him the ghosts that follow me.
He listens. He reminds me that he is there. He is there in the darkness.
He despises evil. He reminds me that I am weak....BUT..... HE is STRONG.
The LORD God never leaves me. He is there in the midst of sadness.

In this world you will have struggles but take heart.....I have overcome the world. His promise.
One day there will be no more sadness. No more pain.
I will help place your ghosts to rest.

I lay my head on my pillow and sleep. Where there once was darkness there is light.



"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."   John 1:1-5

Paramedic School

     

         Paramedic School is an adventure.......no.. it is where you go to learn to save lives....no..wait            that's not it.......... Paramedic school is where you slowly lose any sanity you thought you ever had.             

                

   These past 10 months have been absolutely crazy. Believe it or not though I have learned a lot, and had some fun while doing it. Here is just a short list of the things that describe Medic school so far. I still have a few more months left, and I have no doubt I will learn and experience many more things as I continue down this path. 

1. Working full time and going to school full time is not an easy task 

    For 8 of the past 10 months I have been working full time and going to school full time. The most challenging thing I have ever had to do. Full time work week is 48 hours. Then add in 24 hours of physically showing up to class. (Some days my brain didn't follow me to class) Oh yeah and don't forget to add studying in there.....and maybe see family or friends. Trust me there are not enough hours in the week. I am thankful to say that I am finally part time at work (36 hours) now, but my bank account doesn't like me so much now. 

2. To sleep or to eat... that is the question 

    I never thought the decision to eat or sleep could be such a monumental decision in a day. Or how many times I would only have enough energy to do one or the other. Most days sleep definitely trumped food. 

3. Friends are key to survival

     First day of class we got to pick a table to sit at. Little did we know at the time, but that table of people would be the key to surviving. I am so thankful for the group I ended up sitting with. Some days they were the only reason I didn't just stand up and walk out of class when things got ridiculous. Many tears, angry spouts and moments of success.

I am also very thankful for the friends I have made at work. They have helped me through a lot of hard calls at work, and helped me get a relief from the stress in class. Friends are key to survival. There is no way I could make it through by myself. 

4. Paramedic School. Where everything is made up and the points don't matter 

      When I first started the classroom portion I was in full nerd mode. I did all the homework and kicked but on the tests. As we went on in class, the tests got more stupid and directions from the instructors became more muddy. The best video clip I was shown by one of my paramedic partners was the, Whose Line is it Anyways clip, where Drew Carey states over and over again how everything is made up and the points don't matter. Best advise I got through the classroom portion of school. I gained a little more of my sanity back after that. I have learned in Field Internship that book knowledge is a great foundation to have, but there is so much more to it. 

5. The hospital is not a place for me

      Going to the different  hospitals for clinical rotation was definitely a once in a lifetime experience. In Fresno we have a Level 1 Trauma hospital, children's hospital and several general hospitals. At the Level 1 Trauma center hospital there is also the only burn center in the central valley. Going to the different ERs and spending time in the Children's post-op and the burn unit was a very unique and cool experience. Getting the opportunity to learn about the different resources available, and seeing what happens after we bring patients to the hospital was very interesting. It made me very thankful for those who chose to work in the hospitals. Ultimately I learned that the hospital is not a place for me. Made me realize how much I love working in the field. 

6. Working in the back of an ambulance is challenging. 

      Starting an IV in a hospital verses in the back of a moving ambulance are two very different things. For starters, you have so many more helping hands in the hospital. Second, you have full access to all areas of the patient. In the back of the ambulance the gurney is locked up against a wall. Making the patient's left side not easily accessible. When the only good arm for an IV is on the right side, things get a little tricky in the back of the ambulance. I can say I have already been thrown into the bench seat. Not a fan of that, but at the end of the call you have a good story to go with it. Learning to work in a small space, in a moving unit, with a limited amount of time is how we kick butt. 

7. A good teacher is priceless

      I am very thankful for the teachers in class, the nurses in the hospitals and my preceptor. They all have taken the time to help me learn skills and coach me along the way when I have needed some direction. I am very thankful for the nurses who took the initiative to help me learn how to start IVs, push medications and let me help with hard cases. Not everyone has to gift of teaching or the patience to deal with a timid paramedic student. And Lord bless my paramedic preceptors. The level of patience they have is amazing. 

8. My husband is a super hero

    My husband has had to put up with so much this year. He has had to deal with me being completely absent at times. Super stressed. Bawling my eyes out from so much emotional stress. Not once has he ever questioned what I do. We have had a lot of low moments this year. I am thankful though we have had a lot of good moments as well. Some days I have no idea what is going on in my husband's life and it kills me. I have been reminded many times that thankfully this will only last for just a short time. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. 

9. This is not a job for the faint of heart

There have been a lot of gut check moments while I have been working this year. A lot of calls where I am left wondering ,when it is my turn in the hot seat, will I be able to do this job. Will I be able to look people in the eye and tell them that their loved one is dead. Will I have the composer it takes to step into a crisis and bring some kind of order to the chaos.

Right now, I feel  like I did when I was four standing at the end of the diving board for the first time. I remember standing at the edge holding my two empty milk jugs thinking what is going to happen when I jump. My swim teacher told me that the milk jugs would help me stay above water, and I believed her but I  still had my doubts. As I stood there at the edge and looked in the deep dark water, I really wondered if I was gong to sink or swim. If I did start to sink, would I remember what my teachers told me about kicking and holding my breath? As I slowly make it through field internship I am left wondering if I am going to remember everything I was taught or am I going to sink. 

10. You can't be afraid to make mistakes

 The lessons I learn after I make a mistake are the ones I never forget. I have been and will continue to make mistakes. I will miss things or fail to treat things I should have. The best thing I an do though is get back up and learn from the mistake. 

     Being a paramedic student has been one of the hardest yet most rewarding things I have done. There is nothing else I would rather be doing. For the first time in my life I don't feel like i am trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. This is not easy and no I do not get paid anywhere close enough for all of this madness. But at the end of the day I always want to go back to work. I love that I get an opportunity to make a difference in my community and some days get to be a part of saving someones life. So I keep fighting and kicking butt.