*Disclaimer* This is not a post at all in reference to my husband. He is loving, kind and I love being married to him. This post is strictly about the icky feelings of being a military wife stuck in the middle of military life
Today is just a hard day. Thomas has been underway for 2 weeks and it is just wearing on me. On top of him being gone it has been four days since I heard anything from him. And for all you wives who say 'only four days well my goodness I have gone weeks' but I have no doubt at 4 days, 1 week, 2 weeks, etc. you are feeling the same way I am feeling right now. No matter how many days or weeks, when we don't hear from our guy it sucks. And what sucks even more is when you know the work environment they are in sucks too and there is nothing you can do about it. You just hope and pray they at least can read the e-mails you have sent so they aren't so miserable. Days like today nothing works. No romantic quotes about loving a sailor/solider through the distance, how it is all worth it stuff makes a no bit of difference. Because all I want to do is look at the person and roll my eyes and walk away. I am physically agitated, emotionally tired and frustrated. If I played soccer right now I would be playing till I probably hurt myself. Just playing till every inch of my body couldn't feel anymore.
I know there is going to be that random person who by chance reads this and thinks oh how pathetic I sound and say well you signed up for this. You knew what you were getting into. And yes while I knew that I would be marrying a guy in the military, the Navy is a whole different animal than the military I knew. And just because you know the bridge is going to fall a part when you drive over it doesn't mean it hurts any less on the way down.
Over 75% of the time Thomas and I have been together we have been a part. We didn't expect that to happen but it did. We have made it work. And it is worth it. Through all the hard times apart I am so thankful for Thomas. It is not Thomas I am frustrated with. Thomas I know would be home in a heart beat. Thomas loves me and he loves being married to me. Just like I love being married to him.
Unless you have been or are going through this kind of life it is hard to understand.
You stuff emotions so you can survive. If you didn't you would be stuck on the couch in your pjs watching sad movies. (been there, done that). You find ways to move past the emotions and focus on what is in front of you. For me I spend a lot of time in prayer and my Bible. There are days I spend angry at God. But it helps me to know that he is watching over all of it. All of this isn't without purpose. That helps me make it through to the next moment. Then I put on my big girl panties and I start the day. Knowing that God is here with me. I don't have any motivation to do anything, but he gets me through to the next step. I would love for life to be put on hold until Thomas got back. But that isn't how life works. So I keep moving. One step at a time. The sadness and anger come. But then if I keep holding on to God's promises there is Joy.
I am angry, frustrated and sad. I am broken, heartbroken, and devastated by lost time and missed words. BUT......I am loved by Thomas and my God. More than I could have ever imagined. I have no job or specific purpose right now other than to be a wife who takes care of everything at home while my husband is away and do what God has asked me to do for each day. For now that is enough.
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