A Place to Call Home

It is hard for me to believe that it is already the middle of September. It seems it was just yesterday the beginning of January, just starting into the new year. So many things have happened since then. Honestly, a lot has happened since the beginning of August. It feels like a life time ago. For all my family and close friends out there wondering what is coming next for Thomas and I here is just a short blurb of the last month and a half of our life......

   In July Thomas went underway with the ship for about a month. Longest month of my life. It just really hit both of us just how tired we are of military life and being always a part from one another. I was just tired of it all. And after this last week I am so over anything military. Thomas and I are so thankful for the Navy and all that God provided through the Navy, but we both just had that feeling of, it is time to move on.

   Yes, Thomas could easily go into the Coast Guard. In reality nothing would really change for me or fro Thomas if we went that route. It would like be deciding to put on another coat after you got tired of always wearing the same one. While it was a comforting transition it was very defeating all at the same time. So we decided to really trust God and REALLY be open minded to where God wanted us to go.

  In August we went and visited Thomas' family and friends in California. Up to this point I had pretty much closed the door to ever even thinking about the idea of living in California. Trust me, there were many other places in the world I would rather have looked into living. But I decided to stop being stubborn and spend lots of time in prayer and being open to new ideas. Thomas and I were just seeing if there was any way possible we could live outside of military world. We asked God to show us and make it obvious. I prayed so hard that doors would be slammed in our face if we were to really go into the Coast Guard.

Well God slammed doors and he opened a big one...........

  We looked into a "little" city north of Fresno called Oakdale. While there were opportunities there wasn't enough to make it into something. By just looking it opened our eyes to the idea of owning a home and being together all the time. Through different conversations with friends and family we started looking into living in Fresno. Honestly we were just passively looking. Curiosity got the best of us and we wanted to see if we could really afford to live there. The next set of events all happened within three days....

  Thomas looked into started back into school and using the G.I. benefits and what all would come of that, I sent e-mails to several relaters about houses and applied to American Ambulance in Fresno. I ended up hearing from one relater about a house so the next day we went and met with him at the house. The house was a failure, let's just say we found our self on a bad side of town. But we did end up meeting an awesome relater that would help us out with the remainder of our house searching process. He is a great-grandpa and has been in the real estate business since 1970. He spent 20 years in the service and helped us figure out all this house buying stuff. I was just so very thankful to meet him. He got us pre-approved, so we new how much in the end we could afford. And Thomas and I were both surprised that there was actually a possibility that we could buy a house. :-)

  The next day we met with the same relater to look at two houses we picked out the day before to look at. Thomas and I had very specific parameters on what we wanted to buy. Honestly I thought there was no way. Again we just went fro curiosity sake. Just so we would know for when Thomas got out. We had a very specific price range, 3 bedroom/2 bathroom request, and had to be move in ready. The first two houses we looked at did not meet that. So we were kind of ready to just be done. Then our relater showed us one house that had just come on the market that morning, and asked if we would be interested in seeing it. From the description on paper it looked promising, but we had already looked at three houses at that point that had looked promising on paper. Needless to say when we stepped into the house I just knew this was it. From the kitchen, to the beautiful thick carpet and the layout of the house, I was sold. (For those of you who have heard my carpet rant know just how exciting nice thick carpet is ) We told our relater we wanted to put in an offer fro the house.......and 24 hours later......it was ours! Yep, we were now starting the process of buying a house of our very own. Total shock.
  The remainder of our time we spent doing our research about jobs and what all the benefits would include for Thomas going back to school. I almost had an interview with American Ambulance while I was there. I ended up just missing one piece of paperwork and they wouldn't give me an interview without it. I was bummed but hopeful that once we got down there I would have a very good chance of getting hired by them. Thomas' school benefits included money for housing which we found out would cover the mortgage, plus give us money for bills. He also would have a job right away as well.
Again, mind...blown.

 Thomas and I sat down and talked about it all. We realized that without working very hard at all on our part, God had laid out everything before us. It is true that God hears and he answers prayers. This is not the most comfortable option. It scars me to death sometimes when I think about it. Starting over is never easy but we don't have to start over on our own. It ends up opening up so many more possibilities than we ever thought. When we finally took God for who he was, he showed us that he has bigger and much better things planned for us than we had planned for ourselves.

So all of this means......
 On October 31st we will be driving a big U-haul truck and our car out of Washington state to Fresno, California. So very thankful for the friends coming on this road trip with us to help us out.
We are still in the paperwork process of our house but we having a closing date on it for October 15th and our loan is approved and locked into place. I have begun the task of sorting, organizing, throwing away and packing up the house. Right now at this moment it seems like I am standing at the bottom of a huge mountain and have to figure out how to climb it. Right now God is pushing me to trust him with finances. A very growing experience. He is pushing me to trust him with the future. And for once in my life all I can think about is just the next step in front of me. It is a very humbling and growing place to be in. Buying a house long distance is a challenge. ;-) I am excited and thankful though for the new opportunities and blessing that lie ahead.

Just so very excited and thankful that we will finally have a place to call home......;-)

Romantic Crap, that it is just that, Crap

 *Disclaimer* This is not a post at all in reference to my husband. He is loving, kind and I love being married to him. This post is strictly about the icky feelings of being a military wife stuck in the middle of military life


Today is just a hard day. Thomas has been underway for 2 weeks and it is just wearing on me. On top of him being gone it has been four days since I heard anything from him. And for all you wives who say 'only four days well my goodness I have gone weeks' but I have no doubt at 4 days, 1 week, 2 weeks, etc. you are feeling the same way I am feeling right now. No matter how many days or weeks, when we don't hear from our guy it sucks. And what sucks even more is when you know the work environment they are in sucks too and there is nothing you can do about it. You just hope and pray they at least can read the e-mails you have sent so they aren't so miserable. Days like today nothing works. No romantic quotes about loving a sailor/solider through the distance, how it is all worth it stuff makes a no bit of difference. Because all I want to do is look at the person and roll my eyes and walk away. I am physically agitated, emotionally tired and frustrated. If I played soccer right now I would be playing till I probably hurt myself. Just playing till every inch of my body couldn't feel anymore.

   I know there is going to be that random person who by chance reads this and thinks oh how pathetic I sound and say well you signed up for this. You knew what you were getting into. And yes while I knew that I would be marrying a guy in the military, the Navy is a whole different animal than the military I knew. And just because you know the bridge is going to fall a part when you drive over it doesn't mean it hurts any less on the way down.
Over 75% of the time Thomas and I have been together we have been a part. We didn't expect that to happen but it did. We have made it work. And it is worth it. Through all the hard times apart I am so thankful for Thomas. It is not Thomas I am frustrated with. Thomas I know would be home in a heart beat. Thomas loves me and he loves being married to me. Just like I love being married to him.
Unless you have been or are going through this kind of life it is hard to understand.

You stuff emotions so you can survive. If you didn't you would be stuck on the couch in your pjs watching sad movies. (been there, done that). You find ways to move past the emotions and focus on what is in front of you. For me I spend a lot of time in prayer and my Bible. There are days I spend angry at God. But it helps me to know that he is watching over all of it. All of this isn't without purpose. That helps me make it through to the next moment. Then I put on my big girl panties and I start the day. Knowing that God is here with me. I don't have any motivation to do anything, but he gets me through to the next step. I would love for life to be put on hold until Thomas got back. But that isn't how life works. So I keep moving. One step at a time. The sadness and anger come. But then if I keep holding on to God's promises there is Joy.

I am angry, frustrated and sad. I am broken, heartbroken, and devastated by lost time and missed words. BUT......I am loved by Thomas and my God. More than I could have ever imagined. I have no job or specific purpose right now other than to be a wife who takes care of everything at home while my husband is away and do what God has asked me to do for each day. For now that is enough.

Pieces

Pieces


I sit here looking at the broken pieces not knowing what to do.
Each one a piece of this life that you have given me.
Energy, sweat and tears marking each piece.
As I sit here in the pile I wonder what on Earth I am suppose to do.
I cannot see how they go together.
Each one beautifully crafted by you.
Each one full of great significance.

I earnestly seek you God to show me what pieces go together.
You are the great designer and I am at a loss.
While I can see each separate piece I cannot see the puzzle.
I am tired and worn.
I cannot bear to carry the weight alone.
Show me Lord, please show me.

I do not have much to offer you.
I am weak and poor.
My strength grows weak and my heart grows faint......

BUT I choose this day to HOPE.
I put my HOPE in your great plan.
That you will not leave me to waste away.
You hear my cry in the midst of the uncertainty.
You hold my heart in the palm of your hand.

Hold the pieces in your hands Lord.
Place them together.
Show me where to go.
Help me to follow.
Be my strength and my guide.

Psalm 145

The Character of God:

   If you ever wonder who God is and what is his character all you have to do is spend some time reading through the Psalms and you will find Him.

Character of God revealed in Psalm 145:

  Some words I found that the Psalmist used to describe God and their definitions:

Gracious: marked by kindness and courtesy
Compassionate: feeling or showing concern for someone who is sick, hurt, poor, etc..
Faithful:firm in adherence to promises, having or showing true constant support
Loving: feeling or showing love
Righteous: morally right, free from guilt or sin

All that He does:

"slow to anger, rich in love..."
"upholds all those who fall, lifts up all who are bowed down..."
"satisfy the desires of every living thing..."
"is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth..."
"fulfills the desires of those who fear him..."
" hears their cry and saves them..."
"watches over all who love him...."


My response after reading, learning and experiencing  God is none other than praise to Him. Standing in awe of the things he has done and what he is going to do. I praise his name so others will come to know who he is, as the Psalmist put it. So others will know of his might and great wonders he has done.
 Verse 21: " My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD. Let every creature praise his holy name for ever and ever".

Be Still Little One.....

Be Still Little One....

Be still and listen little one for my direction....
You are worried and anxious,
fear not for I am with you....

Be still and rest little one....
You work hard and spend your time running around trying to hold things together,
let me hold the pieces in my hands and mold you to be the one I created you to be.....

Be still and rest little one....
Tears fall from your eyes and your heart is bursting in sadness,
 cry on my shoulder,
pour out your heart to me....
I am listening.....

Be still and know the I am God.....
You don't know where to to turn,
turn to me...
I hold the world in my hands and I am holding your hand,
I am there and I will not leave

Take courage little one...
When you feel like you have nothing left to give,
let me step in and fight for you and give you MY strength to finish the tasks at hand

Fear not little one.....
When you look at the future and don't know where to go next,
follow me,
I will direct your path ONE step at a time,
You may slip but I will uphold you with my righteous right hand

Feel my love little one....
When you feel alone,
when the world is beating on your tender heart,
when tragedy and the unexpected strikes,
MY love will be there.......

I AM the Lord your God.....NEVER will I leave you.....NEVER will I forsake you....This my dear you can count on.....I am here and I always will be.......

Psalm 150

      "Let everything that has breath praise the LORD....."


Prayer of Praise and Thankfulness:

   Praise him for a week of sunshine and warmth. When you step outside you are wrapped in the sun's comfort and warmth. A feeling I have missed. For the joy that comes in the sunshine. For the beauty that I can enjoy in the sunshine. Relaxing time spent by the water and for putting color back in my pasty white skin. 
 Thankful that in times of loneliness God has placed friendship. In the hard moments he is present and there by my side. 


"Praise him for his acts of power; praise him for his surpassing greatness..."

   I stand in awe and wonder at the works of God's power and majesty. That he paints the sky at night with color and beauty as the sun sets. In his power there is gentleness. The same God who can bring winds powerful enough to destroy houses can bring a gentle breeze to cool the night off. His mighty. With his strong hands he he holds the world together. With those same mighty hands he gently forms a baby in a mother's womb. How great mighty HE is. 


"Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens....."

Thankful that one day I will get to praise and honor my King in heaven. "In his mighty heavens"......what an amazing picture that brings to my mind. A place of wonder and majesty. There is a place for me one day. A place of peace and joy. No more sorrow, no more pain or struggle or strife. My heart longs for this place. To be with my God. 

   While I wait here in this earth I am thankful he is there with me. Thankful that no matter where I go he is watching over me. 


"PRAISE THE LORD!" 

Am I Enough

     Got an e-mail today form the EMT instructor about what will be coming at the end of the month. After going through all of the information four times, one resounding feeling of FEAR hit me in the face. While it is so exciting to think I get to be a part of an ER rotation and ambulance ride alongs, it is also so very terrifying. I get to finally learn how to save lives. What wouldn't be exciting about that? As soon as I have a slight feeling of excitement I am afriad. The question that comes to my mind every time is, can I do it? Will I be able to learn all the information I need to so I can pass the tests every class period? Will I be able to pass the midterm and final practical exams? Will I choke during the field work and totally mess up a patient? Will I be strong enough to lift and move a patient without causing more harm to a patient? And the answer to all these questions is............. I have no idea.

     It is going to be the hardest 11 weeks of my life. I do know this much. I am going to be pouring over my textbook and studying till all hours of the night. I am going to get stressed and exhausted. Thomas is going to start his in and out schedule during this time. So there will be times I will be doing it all by myself again. Which just makes my heart sad. I know my brain can take in a lot of information in a short amount of time because I have already made it through anatomy. If I can make it through a class that demanded 40+ hours a week from me and a scary teacher to boot, I should be able to make it through the course work. I know one more important fact that supersedes it all. God has brought me here and he will see me through till the end. He will be there when I am alone. He has given me the ability to love on others and see their needs. He has given me a brain. Yep if God hadn't given me the brain probably wouldn't be here right now ;-) His grace is suffienct. He will give me what I need to finish. In the end he is the one who saves a life not me. I will just be a piece in a gigantic puzzle. These are the things I am going to have to remember for the next few months.

    So much is going to happen in a short amount of time. It is hard to imagine that I will finally be able to make a real impact and be able to get a long term job. That we are down to 8 and a half months and Thomas will be moving on from the Navy. I have defiantly been compartmentalizing. If I think about everything to often my heart can't handle all of the different emotions. One day at a time. That is all I can do. Taking it one hour, one task at a time. In the hard moments knowing God will be there to carry me when I can't stand. That it is ok to have my weak moments and not have everything together. That in my weakness God will make me strong. His strength will shine through. That is my prayer. That I won't give way to fear. That I can stand confident in Christ not in my own strength. And that the people I will be spending a lot of time with will see where my strength comes from. There is more than one way to change and have a life be saved. :-)

I am humbled and in awe of my opportunity. Cannot wait to buy my stethoscope :-)

"Where you Lead I will Follow...."

              It is still hard to believe that a year ago Thomas and I were preparing for deployment. It just seems like night and day when I think about where we were and where we are now. It has been a crazy year of surviving, seeking and learning about where God is taking us. Like he usually does, God has some different ideas than how I thought things were going to be, but that is ok. I am finding out his way is so so so much better than what I had originally thought. We have crossed the great adventure of an almost 9 deployment and now Thomas is back home. So now what does that mean as far as concerns with the makeup of our little family, what are Thomas and I doing now and the direction we are heading this year?

       

Burt and Annie still manage to keep us on our toes :-) Do not know what I would have done without these two crazy critters during deployment. They make our life interesting. They have both successfully learned to consistently use the toilet so that is an awesome accomplishment. They complete our family perfectly for the time being. My heart has worked through a lot on the area of family. Through conversations with Thomas and just coming to a place of peace and contentment with my condition of Endometriosis. Realizing that God is really in control. That it is ok and just as admirable to seek after a career that honors and glorifies God. He has given me an special heart of compassion and understanding for the women out there who are wives who do not have children yet or in the future. My personal note out there to you women who do have children, remember to be sensitive and compassionate to those women out there who do not have children, and who choose to seek a career. You do not know there story so be slow to make a judgement or make them feel insignificant. 

So what is up with Thomas and I now. A year ago if you asked me what I would be doing this Spring I would easily have said Nursing School. Well God sure had a different idea :-) When I finally was still and listened to him through ways of my husband and other people in my life he showed me something different. And that was becoming an EMT. Who would have thought? Not me. When I finally stopped pitching my hissy fit I was able to see just how amazing becoming an EMT would be. So starting March 29th I will begin the EMT program at Everett Community College. I am excited and extremely nervous. I am doing my best to get physically stronger and bring to God my anxious, stress filled heart. Learning to deal with my anxiety and how I respond to stress has always been a struggle for me. This gives me the great opportunity to see just how God can give me a peace that transcends all understanding. That when I am weak he is strong. When I was in the Fire Science office at school turning in my application for the program, another girl walked in ,and commented after seeing me, how she had better confidence after seeing me there because I was so small. Let's just say that was not the greatest confidence booster. Especially after sitting across the desk from a huge, buff tower of a man. This opportunity just allows me to put my money where my mouth is, and show just how much God can do. I hope to be a testament to that. This does not mean that I am completely giving up on Nursing school. Just giving God a chance to work in my life and show me all that he has in store for me. And I am excited to say that in June I will finally have an Associates Degree. Took some hard work and patience but it is finally paying off. 

For a year Thomas and I have wrestled and stumbled though trying to figure out where to go next. Thomas gets out of the Navy November 23, 2013. Yep, 9ish months from now we will be saying goodbye to the Navy. We have been seeking and searching  all the many options. Trying not to give into fear and just go with the safest option available, but allowing God to work. Thomas has been praying and seeking out what would be the best way he can honor and glorify God. At first my expectation was that he find a career that would provide everything we needed. My fears and expectations got the best of me. We had lots of "fun".....debates on the subject. God's patience and grace has shown through Thomas in a great and powerful way since he has been home. He is not Mr. perfect and I am not Mrs. perfect but God is working through our imperfections. I am so incredibly thankful God has blessed us with family who love us so much. It was such a blessing to know if we could not put things together in time, especially with the extended deployment, that we had plenty of places available to go to help us bridge the gap between the Navy and civilian life. 

  So then what is the direction Thomas is heading you may ask? :-) Well......after going down to Tukwila yesterday and finally talking with a Coast Guard recruiter, Thomas has decided to follow that direction. He finally got to ask all the questions he had, and see what the reality of what that option would look like. He wants to become an Aviation Survival Technician. If any of you have seen the movie The Guardian, then you would know that, that is the person who jumps out of the helicopters to rescue people stuck in the water. So what does that timeline look like then? First Thomas has to fax in just some initial paperwork. He has to take the ASVAB again over different sections that are specific to this rate. He has to send in the paperwork to show his end date in the Navy. 3 months out he has to turn in paperwork showing that he is indeed getting out of the Navy. Some information we were not aware of was how it would look getting into the Coast Guard and then into the specific rate Thomas wants. How long would he have to wait to get into the Coast Guard, what would the boot camp and training schools look like, etc. Thomas biggest concerns were that it would be a very long wait time and that if for some reason things did not work out with his school then what? So the basic ideas that I understand. are as follows. 

Once released from the Navy and everything checks out with medical and his paperwork he would have about a month to wait to go to their around 18 day boot camp. Going into the Coast Guard everyone enters in on the same playing field. No special contract for a certain rate. So that means that unlike when he was going into the Navy where he signed a piece of paper saying his track in the Navy would be special forces, it is not until you are fully in after boot camp do you put in for a specific school. That is good because the waiting time to get into a specific school is not waited out outside of the Coast Guard. So Thomas would get through boot camp, put in his packet for the school for AST and then wait his turn for school on a cutter ship somewhere in the U.S. The length of time is 6 months- 1 year. So during that waiting time Thomas would be getting paid and all the benefits of the Coast Guard. That is the case for Thomas because of his prior service time in the Navy. He will enter in the Coast Guard as an E-3 and will only have to wait until the next available spot in a class. I was so thankful that the recruiter Thomas talked with was a guy who works closely with ASTs. He was able to give Thomas an idea of what life looks like in that rate. It was encouraging to hear the over all mood of people in that line of work loved what they did. Just an overall more relaxed feel and that they love what they do. There are only about 300 ASTs in the United States. So it is a very small community of people. The best way to describe it is just thinking about the Navy and what it is, and then thinking of the exact opposite and that is what life would be like working in the Coast Guard. :-) 

After Thomas came out of the recruiter and we talked about everything, just a feeling of peace about the situation just came over me. Thomas is excited. It would be a job he would love. It is a job where he could stay physically active and make a difference. And I would actually see him every now and then.

;-) The specifics and timing on everything is still pretty vague, but we know the general main ideas on things. And we also know that at any moment life events can happen and change everything in a moment, but we are so thankful for the peace of what we do know and what is coming next. :-) We just have to continue to be faithful and obedient to what God has in store for us.