Burdens....

Lately no matter how hard I try I always seem to be gloomy even though I have no desire to be gloomy. There are moments in my day I am happy and laughing and smiling with my husband or other people but, when left to be by myself I always end up back on the sad band wagon. Not sure if I am just unhappy with myself right now or what. In my mind I keep trying to make my husband out to be a villain when he is not. He loves and cares for me and I have no real reason to be mad at him. He helps around the house and other things that need to be done. But for some reason I always make it out that he is always doing something wrong in my head so I have someone to be mad at. Some one to blame for my unhappiness. I am the only one who can change that. And to be honest I am not really sure what I want. I know I want something more to do with my life other than just caring for a house. But I can't seem to commit to anything. I still have yet to call the hospital to volunteer, or the church to volunteer to help with the children's program and MOPS. As a whole we are going to be needing some extra income. I have to start paying back student loans and trying to get a new phone with boost mobile. And right now we fit exactly within our means of what Thomas makes so adding anything make things tricky. So I don't really know what to do. I would love to make a trip to San Diego but that would really stretch us on money. I really don't think I should make the trip. Not sure what to do with that.

All I do is take my husbands money and have nothing to give back in return. The house is a mess right now. With him being in class the days go by faster than I realize and not much cleaning gets done.

Quiet time with God is a bust right now. My mind is everywhere and I can't seem to get anything out of it. I can't sleep at night and I can't be happy when my husband is around and I know that bugs him and I feel terrible about it.

There are things going on right now I wish I could change and help out in but I can't do anything to help out. My husband leaves in a little over a week to head to San Diego for almost 2 months. I am going home for a week during all of that so that will help some.

My mind is just going crazy right now. Not really knowing how to let go of any of it and not really sure how to get things solved.

I am very over dramatic. Probably your conclusion by the end of all of this. I don't know. My mind just can't be at peace right now. I want it to be. I don't want to be a wife who is always in a mood swing. I know it has got to be driving Thomas crazy that his wife is all over the place. I love him. And I really hope he knows that.

I guess I am just a phase of negative. No reason to be because there are so many things to be thankful for. I just don't know what to do with myself any more. I can't seem to find the shoes that fit.

Peace and answers are what I seek.

A relaxing day

Well I have managed now to actually post on here two days in a row. Some what of an improvement. I needed a relaxing day and that was today. I accomplished the big things and let the small things go. I think my body right now is just tired all over from stress and dealing with different things going on. My neck has been so tight lately I can't even turn my head. Last night was pretty bad. I know it's all from stress I just am not sure how to work through it all. The minute I begin to think of anything my neck tenses up. Worry is a lot of it and a feeling of needing to do more. I could sit here and make a huge list on all the things I didn't do today. And things that need to be done by the end of the week. But really all I want to do is make some popcorn and just relax and get lost in a movie. I would really just like to relax with thomas right now. Today is his duty day this week so that won't be happening tonight.

When I look up form the computer I look up and see the beautiful flowers Thomas got me last week. They are so beautiful and still look so pretty. I can't help but smile when I look at them :-) And I have managed to keep Burt from knocking them over so that is a big accomplishment in it self.

Fear, worry, am I enough, what do I do next, am I doing anything good with my life, afraid and tired of stepping out. Reading in my bible study and not getting anything out of it. I feel like I have hit a wall with my quiet time. I would love to just go sit out in a field or at the beach and just soak up some sun. Feelings of discontent.

Thankfulness, true love, joy and peace beyond what I have ever experienced. A life I don't deserve, provided for beyond my wildest imagination by the great God above. A home. the greatest husband and lover a girl could ask for. a church to feel at home in and be with God. a new place for a new adventure. food in the house. t.v and internet. and a Ps3 and furniture and clothes. A very healthy person. So may things to be thankful for and am blessed beyond all that I could have imagined. And who could forget my sweet and playful kitty cat burt. my snuggle buddy when it's just me.

Some days the negative is stronger than the positive and I find myself doubting myself a lot. Worrying to much about what people think. Letting go of who I thought I was suppose to be and embracing who God wanted me to be all along.

Of all that has happened to me in the past couple of years I wouldn't change any of it. Not for one minute other than all my mistakes and things that I did to hurt anyone. I am not unhappy. Just trying to fit in a place that is still new to me. Some days I wonder if I am doing anything good. Am I being a good wife or should I do more. Am I failing at still being a good daughter to my parents and a good sister to my siblings. Sometimes I wonder if I have let ever one down with my choices in life. But deep down I know I am doing what I truly believe I am suppose to be doing. In my heart there has never been any discontent with the choices that led me to all of this. Because I know this is where God wanted me to be. I get stuck in worrying about the world and of what others might think.

I am a wife to a good husband. Some day I want to be a mom. this is so true. I remember laying in bed at night thinking up all my big plans on what I wanted to be and do with my life. And after I had conquered the world I remember all I ever wanted to do then was be a wife and a mom. because I knew that traveling the world and doing different jobs the greatest and most rewarding adventure in life would be being a wife and a mom. If you can survive through that you can do anything in life I truly believe. All the other things I wanted to do, be a pilot, travel the world, being a great scholar, have this great job and be important it was all for me. And me alone. Very selfish wants. Being married I get to share all those adventures with my husband. I get to travel with someone. Lean on someone when I have a hard time with a job. Get to be there for someone else through life's rough battles. And some day we will get to be a part of a miracle. Being a family. I don't want a huge family. But I do want some kids. :-) My biggest fear is that we will not be able to have children but I know some way Thomas and I will be around children. We both have a big heart for them. It's one of the reasons I feel in love with him.

I am not sure what I am suppose to do until the Lord leads us to the point in our life. Right now I don't feel led to have children right now. I want to enjoy being with my husband and taking every opportunity to serve others.

With all of this I feel like if I admit to everyone that I just want to be a mom and a wife I will be hearing all the voices around me....she had so much talent and abilities to go and do. So smart, such wasted talent. I feel like I would have failed everyone. I want to work and do things. We could use the extra money to save and be better prepared for things. And Thomas is going to be all over. I don't know why all these thoughts are going on in my head tonight. Mostly just trying to sort through what is going on in my head.

All I ever want to do is serve my God and do as he would wish. And not care so much what people think. I don't know what tomorrow holds. But I do know that I have a big God helping me out and has got my back. And right now I am going to finish my relaxing day God has blessed me with and be at peace about all of this. :-)

" The longer the waiting, the sweeter the kiss...."

"The longer the waiting" by Josh Turner

I love this song. A friend of mine told me about this song. So weeks later I finally looked it up on youtube. :-) This is my song right now. My life with my hubbie in the Navy. And it is so true that the longer the wait the sweeter the kiss. Waiting is so hard. I have already cried many a nights wishing to see my love and those I miss being here up in Washington.

It's funny being a military brat you would think I would be use to having loved ones come in and out of my life and being far away from family. I understand it and know what to expect but missing someone......it never gets old and you never get use to it.

I also think of what it will be like to finally be in heaven. Something that I am anticipating and longing for. To finally be at peace and in the presence of my father. There are things on this earth the Lord has for me to do for him. A worthless retched sinner he has chosen to love me. And I can't wait to be with him.

I love my husband. I don't think I will ever stop missing him. I love kissing him after he is gone for a while. There is a feeling like none other. The feeling of finally being back with the better half of myself. That part of me that leaves a black empty hole when he is gone. Seeing his face after him being gone for any amount of time warms my heart. Because in his eyes I see how deep he loves me. I love looking at his face when he smiles. There are times that he is so happy it reaches from out of his eyes. :-) He is so handsome. Did I mention that I love my husband so dearly? :-) I hope this video loads before I need to head to bed. If not look up the video "The longer the waiting" by Josh Turner.

A love like none other. That is what God has blessed me with. That weak at the knees, heart throbbing, heart stopping love that never quits. A special gift that could only come from the great God above. And without him it would be empty. Thank you Lord for loving me like none other and giving me a love here on this earth to show me how deep your love can reach. Truly leaves me in awe of all that you are. Thank you.

One of those days....

Yesterday was one of those Mondays. Mixed with both good and bad. And at the end of it not really sure what to think about it all. Probably the first day that I have been up at 6:30 a.m. and didn't take a nap the whole day. I was pretty proud of myself for pressing on through the tiredness. Yesterday a special miracle happened. My friend Katie had her baby boy. I had never seen a new born before then. It was the most amazing and wonderful thing to see a newborn baby who had only been in the world for just a little over an hour. He is so precious. It was so cool being a part of it. I had fun playing with Katie's daughter while Katie was in labor. Abby is one silly girl, but loads of fun. :-) There were all kinds of other things that happened but the best part of the day was after everything was all over I got to go pick up my husband from work and spend a relaxing evening with him.

This is the verse that has come to my mind right now through some stuff that is going on right now.

Psalm 55:22 "Cast all you cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall".

I love how the word never is very true. You know how everyone says never say never but in this verse it truly means never. God will NEVER let the righteous fall. And he will sustain us. Pretty powerful words. Pretty amazing promise from God. And that is what I am choosing to hold to right now.

I have got a house that needs cleaning bad. :-) I should really get to that now I think.

And so it has begun...

What a crazy month or so it has been. So much has happened since I moved up here. I have been stretched and have even grown a little since being up here. I have good news to report that I think I got this housewife thing under control. Procrastinating and laziness are still ever present. And if you know of my procrastination skills you know the challenge I am up against. :-)

So far God has brought me through the initial move, getting the hosue altogether once the stuff from Alabama came, got some what settled into a church family, made it through 17 days of my husband being gone and enjoyed one wonderful week with my husband. I have finally managed to gain all my weight back that I had managed to loose between October and December. So that is awesome. I still have yet to find a new hobby. I have discovered that my hobby hole is not filled and I am in need of a new one. For 10+ years sports has been my hobby but it is now a new phase in my life and I ma not sure what to do with that new opening just yet. Cleaning is temporarily filling that spot, but my sister strongly believes I need a new hobby. And taking care of my husband and being there for him is a new life I am happily welcoming. :-)

This past week was the first whole week I have spent with Thomas since our honeymoon and even then it wasn't a whole week. It was so nice to have him around. It was an adjustment because I was use to having my own schedule while he was gone but an adjustment I was happy to make. :-)

I love my husband so very much. It is a feeling like none other. A feeling I can't even begin to describe. I love everything about him. Even when he is driving mw crazy that handsome face and cute smile just makes everything seem to disappear. I am one very blessed and very lucky girl. Something I want to hold on tight to and never let go. The greatest fear I have, like many and most all of wives, is loosing Thomas. When Thomas was in the SEAL program I shared with him about how I was scared to loose him. And he, with his no fear demeanor, told me that when his time was up his time was up. That could be from a bullet or just driving down the road and getting in a car accident. And that we had no control over how it happened but that he was in God's hand. And nothing would happen to him until God said so. And I could rest in God and know that he is watching over it all. And then he asked me not to be sad and wallow in my sorrow in his death but to rejoice because he is somewhere safe and happy. Waiting for me. Thomas and I see a little different when it comes to dealing with death. I think it's because I still see to much on the worldly side of it all. My husband loves adventure and danger. But he is brave and very courageous because of the God that lives inside of him. ANd it is a challenge and something I am seeking to have as well. The day Thomas is no longer in my life, there will be a huge whole that will never be filled again. But I am trying hard to make the most of every opportunity given to us and take it and cherish every minute of it. Not only with my husband but with my family and my friends. Like Thomas tells me often, "You only live once. Why not?". :-)

My favorite verse right now is Micah 6:8 "He has showed you, O man,what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God". I don't know why but in these words I have found comfort and peace. This is what the Lord requires of me act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with God. Challenging but not out of our grasp with God. What we have been given and all we have is because of the grace of God. And a merciful God he is.

I finally started running again. Thomas and I are getting back into working out again. We had a brief interruption because he was gone and I had some health issues that had to be sorted out. I am so out of shape but it is nice to know my body hasn't forgotten how to run and enjoy it. :-) Other than that I am still working out the job situation. A little frustrated there but I know I will get some things together that will work out. Just ding what I can and praying very hard I see what God has for me.

I am excited to see what God has in store for the month of March. I a going to enjoy every minute that my husband is here because they leave in April to go away for a little over a month. Getting us ready to what life is like when they are away on deployment :-) Hoping there are some sunny days in there to go exploring one weekend with Thomas in Seattle or up in the mountains. We shall see.

As for now I am going to get off my lazy bum, clean some dishes and get ready for the young adults group that is tonight.