Daily Bread

" Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, ' Who is the Lord?' Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God". Proverbs 30:8-9




    Today in my quiet time I came across that verse. "give me only my daily bread...". Being a newly married young couple, who were both unemployed for the most part until about 9 months before the wedding, we are not living on thousands and thousands of dollars. Like all young married couples we have to be careful on how we spend our money. Growing up I was always conscious of how I spent things. Out of my sisters and I, I  would always be the one who would come back after a trip with the most money left over.  With Thomas gone so much I am the one who keeps a close eye on all the finances. Going from a poor college student with no bills to being in charge of a whole household was a big step for me. Many many times it has been a huge stressor. After Thomas got back and we both looked at everything related to our finances, we both began to realize just how blessed we are. The things we were able to do and the money we were able to save just blew our mind. Then today coming across the verses in proverbs really hit home how not only has God provided our daily bread, but he has given us above and beyond that. I am so thankful and just so amazed at God's provision for us.  Another verse in Proverbs that has stood out to me is Proverbs 28:27.
"He who gives to the poor will lack nothing, but he who closes his eyes to them receives many curses". 


God has provided above and beyond what we could have imagined in our circumstance and because of that I need to always remember to share the abundance that we have to those who are not as fortunate as we are. 




30 days of Thankfulness


Day 2: 


1. I am thankful for the Navy.
I am so thankful that Thomas was able to join the Navy. It is because of the Navy we can live how we do and it is the reason we were abel to get married. 


2. I am thankful for the sunshine today. 
In an area where there is not a whole lot of sunshine, I am on cloud nine because I get to enjoy the beautiful sun. After living here in Washington I will never take the sunshine for granted. 

" I am with you always...."

" And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age". Matt. 28:21b (ESV)


    All morning that verse has been popping into my head. With Thomas being gone the thing I hate the most, and causes the most fear, is being alone. Being at the house, by myself a lot, can be very discouraging and just hard some days. It makes me have to face my fear of being alone. But today through my quiet time ,and working out, God blessed me with this verse. Made me realize that the thought that I am alone is a thought form satan. Truly I am not alone. :-) God is so cool like that.
A habit I want to get into is finding something everything day to be thankful for. It is easy to be pitiful and woe is me. That is a habit I don't want to get into. I am determined to not let my joy be taken away from me. Not matter what the circumstance I want to find God's joy always present in my life. I have been told that it takes 30 days to form a habit so for 30 days I am going to be very intentional in finding the number of day I am on things to be thankful for.


Day 1: I am thankful that I am truly not alone.

 God has placed so many people in my life. My family, church family, navy wives, and two awesome cats. Also for giving me my husband.  Even though he is far a way at the moment I have someone to share all the silly things in life with. Someone to just be me with and challenge me. And someone to share my faith and walk with God. And above all of that, I am so glad my heavenly father is in my life. He fills my heart with joy, peace and comfort at times when no one else can. :-)

It has been just over two weeks since I last saw my husband smile and got the chance to kiss him. But that just means I am that much closer to seeing him again. :-)





     

New Beginnings.....

Lots of new beginnings in life right now. A lot of time has gone by since I have even written an entry. We have made it through a 6 month deployment. Added to our small little family and Thomas has moved ships. And that is just scratching the surface. We are almost half way through our second year of marriage. Hard to believe. Thomas is now on an aircraft carrier! The USS Nimitz. We are so thankful to finally be done with the Ingraham. Thomas says so far things are looking better and better now being on the Nimitz. And I am thankful he is in a new work environment that isn't so harsh. Thomas has been home for about 2 and half months without any major underways and it has been the best time ever. The longest we have been together in a row since we have been married. And I have enjoyed being married and having my husband around. The only downside to the new ship is that this year it is getting ready for deployment so a lot of being gone. He leaves soon to be gone for a couple of months but I have enough things going on that the time will go by fast. 

Our new addition to our family, miss Annie the cat. :-) She is something else. She has quit the personality. She can be such a bully to Burt. Last night burt was laying in his box on the cat castle and she climbed up to him jumped in his boxed, started bugging him, and pushed him out of his box. We felt so bad for Burt and just couldn't believe how much of a bully annie could be. But I think more than anything she just wanted Burt to play with her. Burt sleeps more than she does and she is so active. And she likes people food. Burt could care less for the food we eat but not annie. Last night I put my dinner on the table and I walked away to go to the kitchen for something. I looked back and annie was jumping off the table with a pice of my chicken in her mouth. And she scarfed the whole thing down before I could take it form her. They both keep us on our toes that is for sure. But they are the best when you just need someone to snuggle with. Burt was a life saver during deployment. And I know they will be great company when Thomas is gone. 

The craziest part of this year so far I think has to be when we got a foot and a half of snow in January. I felt bad because that is all Emily got to see of Washington during her short visit here but it was still cool to see. I still can't believe there was enough snow to build that big of a snowman and the ground still be covered in snow. It was an experience that is for sure. One I hope I don't have to live through again any time soon. 

Right now the verse that keeps coming to my mind is Malachi 3:6 "I the Lord do not change...". There have been lots of changes and lots of changes still to come in my life right now. But this reminds me that everything around me might be changing but my God is forever and always the same. And that is my peace. 

can't sleep....

Just can't seem to fall asleep tonight. Even though my body is tired and I am just over all tired. My body lately just doesn't like me. My body decides it doesn't like the birth control I am taking so it wants to cause me extreme pain in my gut and cause me so much distress. Then a a week later after all that was over a virus wants to make a home in my lower back muscles. Thankfully it went away within a week out of my back just taking another form in sores in my mouth and lots of chest congestion and just all over body tiredness. On top of all of that I am just sad and overwhelmed. Sad because my husband is gone right now and just lots of things to take care of with getting ready for the trip to San Diego. I'm just concerned that I will forget stuff about the house that I can't forget. I am so thankful I get to hear my husbands voice every day and that I can skype with him tomorrow it's just not the same. Just little things that go on that I miss. Our crazy discussion that we get into. SOmetimes over silly things like what color the sky is. I just love seeing all the passion that comes out of Thomas. I miss being able to kiss him whenever I want. Or hold his hand or just ride with him in the car. I knew all of this was going to be hard. But it didn't get really hard until I had a whole month to spend with my husband. To know what it's like to have him home every night. Weird right. To get use to having my husband home. Well it was great. And I am so glad God gave us the chance to be around each other and just enjoy being a silly newly wed couple. We had the best time together before he left. I don't think I have ever smiled so much in my life than the day before Thomas left. It was perfect. The best day a girl could ask for.

Back in February when he was away for the month the house just didn't seem so empty. I've been trying so hard to find a reason to stay away form the house in the afternoon. The morning it's not so bad because that is when Thomas is usually away when he is home. I miss him.

But I couldn't be more proud of him. He works hard at all that he does. I wouldn't wish it right now to be any other way. If he hadn't been in the Navy there is no way we could be together married right now. Great things in life don't come without some form of sacrifice. And I have been given something very special. I only miss him so much because I love him so much. I am very thankful to have some one special to miss in my life. I know that no matter what there is someone in this world who loves me very much. And that is worth any sacrifice.

John 3:16 " For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son. That who so ever believeth in him shall not perish but have everlasting life".

and life keeps on moving

So it is now the end of April. I can't believe how fast the time has gone. Lots of things have been going on. After a week of being sick and with terrible back pain I am finally on my way back to being me again. Thomas is off and away in San Diego. My little sister went to senior prom and next month will graduate from high school. My dad found out that after many long years he will finally be able to retire September 30, 2010 from the Army. Lots of crazy stuff.

Tonight it's just me hanging out at the house. I don't know why but lately it's just been weird to be at the house by myself. I try as hard as I can to stay away. The house just seems so empty right now. Thomas has been gone only 10 days so far and it already seems like forever. I think this time around I just don't want to get to comfortable in my routine while he is gone. When Thomas is away for a while it always feels so weird and just sad to get use to him being gone. Almost to the point where you forget even what it's like to have him home. You remember and wish it could be that way but I don't know. I'm just lonely right now I guess. And I guess it is one thing to have him off and away on a ship and another to have him just 1200 miles away in the states. Just far enough away.

I have been trying to get back into doing my bible study. For a while I just felt so disconnected from it all and not really getting anything. My mind would be everywhere and I just couldn't get myself to be still to get into the word. Today was good because I read in my study on peace. What stood out to me was about the Phil. 4 passage where it talks about do not be anxious about anything... in the study it said how the promise from the scripture is not being taken away form our anxious moments and trials but that God will give us peace that transcends all understanding to handle and live through those times. That really hit me. For a long time I thought if I give everything over to God and pray about them all he will deliver me from the and all will be done. He will take away the things that make me worry and be anxious. But it doesn't say that it Phillipians. But it promises us so much more. Peace. Something I and many others in this world seek. We give our requests to God and lay the situations before him and He gives us peace to understand and deal with those situations. How amazing is that. Something I will remember. :-) Or at least try to.

I have a busy week on my hands. Laundry to do, phone calls to make, cookies to bake, a cake to make, and packing and preparing for the tri down to San Diego and Alabama. I am not in want of things to do this week. That is for sure. But I am thankful that I am able to do the tasks at hand. And that I have a family and a husband that loves me.

Burdens....

Lately no matter how hard I try I always seem to be gloomy even though I have no desire to be gloomy. There are moments in my day I am happy and laughing and smiling with my husband or other people but, when left to be by myself I always end up back on the sad band wagon. Not sure if I am just unhappy with myself right now or what. In my mind I keep trying to make my husband out to be a villain when he is not. He loves and cares for me and I have no real reason to be mad at him. He helps around the house and other things that need to be done. But for some reason I always make it out that he is always doing something wrong in my head so I have someone to be mad at. Some one to blame for my unhappiness. I am the only one who can change that. And to be honest I am not really sure what I want. I know I want something more to do with my life other than just caring for a house. But I can't seem to commit to anything. I still have yet to call the hospital to volunteer, or the church to volunteer to help with the children's program and MOPS. As a whole we are going to be needing some extra income. I have to start paying back student loans and trying to get a new phone with boost mobile. And right now we fit exactly within our means of what Thomas makes so adding anything make things tricky. So I don't really know what to do. I would love to make a trip to San Diego but that would really stretch us on money. I really don't think I should make the trip. Not sure what to do with that.

All I do is take my husbands money and have nothing to give back in return. The house is a mess right now. With him being in class the days go by faster than I realize and not much cleaning gets done.

Quiet time with God is a bust right now. My mind is everywhere and I can't seem to get anything out of it. I can't sleep at night and I can't be happy when my husband is around and I know that bugs him and I feel terrible about it.

There are things going on right now I wish I could change and help out in but I can't do anything to help out. My husband leaves in a little over a week to head to San Diego for almost 2 months. I am going home for a week during all of that so that will help some.

My mind is just going crazy right now. Not really knowing how to let go of any of it and not really sure how to get things solved.

I am very over dramatic. Probably your conclusion by the end of all of this. I don't know. My mind just can't be at peace right now. I want it to be. I don't want to be a wife who is always in a mood swing. I know it has got to be driving Thomas crazy that his wife is all over the place. I love him. And I really hope he knows that.

I guess I am just a phase of negative. No reason to be because there are so many things to be thankful for. I just don't know what to do with myself any more. I can't seem to find the shoes that fit.

Peace and answers are what I seek.

A relaxing day

Well I have managed now to actually post on here two days in a row. Some what of an improvement. I needed a relaxing day and that was today. I accomplished the big things and let the small things go. I think my body right now is just tired all over from stress and dealing with different things going on. My neck has been so tight lately I can't even turn my head. Last night was pretty bad. I know it's all from stress I just am not sure how to work through it all. The minute I begin to think of anything my neck tenses up. Worry is a lot of it and a feeling of needing to do more. I could sit here and make a huge list on all the things I didn't do today. And things that need to be done by the end of the week. But really all I want to do is make some popcorn and just relax and get lost in a movie. I would really just like to relax with thomas right now. Today is his duty day this week so that won't be happening tonight.

When I look up form the computer I look up and see the beautiful flowers Thomas got me last week. They are so beautiful and still look so pretty. I can't help but smile when I look at them :-) And I have managed to keep Burt from knocking them over so that is a big accomplishment in it self.

Fear, worry, am I enough, what do I do next, am I doing anything good with my life, afraid and tired of stepping out. Reading in my bible study and not getting anything out of it. I feel like I have hit a wall with my quiet time. I would love to just go sit out in a field or at the beach and just soak up some sun. Feelings of discontent.

Thankfulness, true love, joy and peace beyond what I have ever experienced. A life I don't deserve, provided for beyond my wildest imagination by the great God above. A home. the greatest husband and lover a girl could ask for. a church to feel at home in and be with God. a new place for a new adventure. food in the house. t.v and internet. and a Ps3 and furniture and clothes. A very healthy person. So may things to be thankful for and am blessed beyond all that I could have imagined. And who could forget my sweet and playful kitty cat burt. my snuggle buddy when it's just me.

Some days the negative is stronger than the positive and I find myself doubting myself a lot. Worrying to much about what people think. Letting go of who I thought I was suppose to be and embracing who God wanted me to be all along.

Of all that has happened to me in the past couple of years I wouldn't change any of it. Not for one minute other than all my mistakes and things that I did to hurt anyone. I am not unhappy. Just trying to fit in a place that is still new to me. Some days I wonder if I am doing anything good. Am I being a good wife or should I do more. Am I failing at still being a good daughter to my parents and a good sister to my siblings. Sometimes I wonder if I have let ever one down with my choices in life. But deep down I know I am doing what I truly believe I am suppose to be doing. In my heart there has never been any discontent with the choices that led me to all of this. Because I know this is where God wanted me to be. I get stuck in worrying about the world and of what others might think.

I am a wife to a good husband. Some day I want to be a mom. this is so true. I remember laying in bed at night thinking up all my big plans on what I wanted to be and do with my life. And after I had conquered the world I remember all I ever wanted to do then was be a wife and a mom. because I knew that traveling the world and doing different jobs the greatest and most rewarding adventure in life would be being a wife and a mom. If you can survive through that you can do anything in life I truly believe. All the other things I wanted to do, be a pilot, travel the world, being a great scholar, have this great job and be important it was all for me. And me alone. Very selfish wants. Being married I get to share all those adventures with my husband. I get to travel with someone. Lean on someone when I have a hard time with a job. Get to be there for someone else through life's rough battles. And some day we will get to be a part of a miracle. Being a family. I don't want a huge family. But I do want some kids. :-) My biggest fear is that we will not be able to have children but I know some way Thomas and I will be around children. We both have a big heart for them. It's one of the reasons I feel in love with him.

I am not sure what I am suppose to do until the Lord leads us to the point in our life. Right now I don't feel led to have children right now. I want to enjoy being with my husband and taking every opportunity to serve others.

With all of this I feel like if I admit to everyone that I just want to be a mom and a wife I will be hearing all the voices around me....she had so much talent and abilities to go and do. So smart, such wasted talent. I feel like I would have failed everyone. I want to work and do things. We could use the extra money to save and be better prepared for things. And Thomas is going to be all over. I don't know why all these thoughts are going on in my head tonight. Mostly just trying to sort through what is going on in my head.

All I ever want to do is serve my God and do as he would wish. And not care so much what people think. I don't know what tomorrow holds. But I do know that I have a big God helping me out and has got my back. And right now I am going to finish my relaxing day God has blessed me with and be at peace about all of this. :-)