Am I Enough

     Got an e-mail today form the EMT instructor about what will be coming at the end of the month. After going through all of the information four times, one resounding feeling of FEAR hit me in the face. While it is so exciting to think I get to be a part of an ER rotation and ambulance ride alongs, it is also so very terrifying. I get to finally learn how to save lives. What wouldn't be exciting about that? As soon as I have a slight feeling of excitement I am afriad. The question that comes to my mind every time is, can I do it? Will I be able to learn all the information I need to so I can pass the tests every class period? Will I be able to pass the midterm and final practical exams? Will I choke during the field work and totally mess up a patient? Will I be strong enough to lift and move a patient without causing more harm to a patient? And the answer to all these questions is............. I have no idea.

     It is going to be the hardest 11 weeks of my life. I do know this much. I am going to be pouring over my textbook and studying till all hours of the night. I am going to get stressed and exhausted. Thomas is going to start his in and out schedule during this time. So there will be times I will be doing it all by myself again. Which just makes my heart sad. I know my brain can take in a lot of information in a short amount of time because I have already made it through anatomy. If I can make it through a class that demanded 40+ hours a week from me and a scary teacher to boot, I should be able to make it through the course work. I know one more important fact that supersedes it all. God has brought me here and he will see me through till the end. He will be there when I am alone. He has given me the ability to love on others and see their needs. He has given me a brain. Yep if God hadn't given me the brain probably wouldn't be here right now ;-) His grace is suffienct. He will give me what I need to finish. In the end he is the one who saves a life not me. I will just be a piece in a gigantic puzzle. These are the things I am going to have to remember for the next few months.

    So much is going to happen in a short amount of time. It is hard to imagine that I will finally be able to make a real impact and be able to get a long term job. That we are down to 8 and a half months and Thomas will be moving on from the Navy. I have defiantly been compartmentalizing. If I think about everything to often my heart can't handle all of the different emotions. One day at a time. That is all I can do. Taking it one hour, one task at a time. In the hard moments knowing God will be there to carry me when I can't stand. That it is ok to have my weak moments and not have everything together. That in my weakness God will make me strong. His strength will shine through. That is my prayer. That I won't give way to fear. That I can stand confident in Christ not in my own strength. And that the people I will be spending a lot of time with will see where my strength comes from. There is more than one way to change and have a life be saved. :-)

I am humbled and in awe of my opportunity. Cannot wait to buy my stethoscope :-)

"Where you Lead I will Follow...."

              It is still hard to believe that a year ago Thomas and I were preparing for deployment. It just seems like night and day when I think about where we were and where we are now. It has been a crazy year of surviving, seeking and learning about where God is taking us. Like he usually does, God has some different ideas than how I thought things were going to be, but that is ok. I am finding out his way is so so so much better than what I had originally thought. We have crossed the great adventure of an almost 9 deployment and now Thomas is back home. So now what does that mean as far as concerns with the makeup of our little family, what are Thomas and I doing now and the direction we are heading this year?

       

Burt and Annie still manage to keep us on our toes :-) Do not know what I would have done without these two crazy critters during deployment. They make our life interesting. They have both successfully learned to consistently use the toilet so that is an awesome accomplishment. They complete our family perfectly for the time being. My heart has worked through a lot on the area of family. Through conversations with Thomas and just coming to a place of peace and contentment with my condition of Endometriosis. Realizing that God is really in control. That it is ok and just as admirable to seek after a career that honors and glorifies God. He has given me an special heart of compassion and understanding for the women out there who are wives who do not have children yet or in the future. My personal note out there to you women who do have children, remember to be sensitive and compassionate to those women out there who do not have children, and who choose to seek a career. You do not know there story so be slow to make a judgement or make them feel insignificant. 

So what is up with Thomas and I now. A year ago if you asked me what I would be doing this Spring I would easily have said Nursing School. Well God sure had a different idea :-) When I finally was still and listened to him through ways of my husband and other people in my life he showed me something different. And that was becoming an EMT. Who would have thought? Not me. When I finally stopped pitching my hissy fit I was able to see just how amazing becoming an EMT would be. So starting March 29th I will begin the EMT program at Everett Community College. I am excited and extremely nervous. I am doing my best to get physically stronger and bring to God my anxious, stress filled heart. Learning to deal with my anxiety and how I respond to stress has always been a struggle for me. This gives me the great opportunity to see just how God can give me a peace that transcends all understanding. That when I am weak he is strong. When I was in the Fire Science office at school turning in my application for the program, another girl walked in ,and commented after seeing me, how she had better confidence after seeing me there because I was so small. Let's just say that was not the greatest confidence booster. Especially after sitting across the desk from a huge, buff tower of a man. This opportunity just allows me to put my money where my mouth is, and show just how much God can do. I hope to be a testament to that. This does not mean that I am completely giving up on Nursing school. Just giving God a chance to work in my life and show me all that he has in store for me. And I am excited to say that in June I will finally have an Associates Degree. Took some hard work and patience but it is finally paying off. 

For a year Thomas and I have wrestled and stumbled though trying to figure out where to go next. Thomas gets out of the Navy November 23, 2013. Yep, 9ish months from now we will be saying goodbye to the Navy. We have been seeking and searching  all the many options. Trying not to give into fear and just go with the safest option available, but allowing God to work. Thomas has been praying and seeking out what would be the best way he can honor and glorify God. At first my expectation was that he find a career that would provide everything we needed. My fears and expectations got the best of me. We had lots of "fun".....debates on the subject. God's patience and grace has shown through Thomas in a great and powerful way since he has been home. He is not Mr. perfect and I am not Mrs. perfect but God is working through our imperfections. I am so incredibly thankful God has blessed us with family who love us so much. It was such a blessing to know if we could not put things together in time, especially with the extended deployment, that we had plenty of places available to go to help us bridge the gap between the Navy and civilian life. 

  So then what is the direction Thomas is heading you may ask? :-) Well......after going down to Tukwila yesterday and finally talking with a Coast Guard recruiter, Thomas has decided to follow that direction. He finally got to ask all the questions he had, and see what the reality of what that option would look like. He wants to become an Aviation Survival Technician. If any of you have seen the movie The Guardian, then you would know that, that is the person who jumps out of the helicopters to rescue people stuck in the water. So what does that timeline look like then? First Thomas has to fax in just some initial paperwork. He has to take the ASVAB again over different sections that are specific to this rate. He has to send in the paperwork to show his end date in the Navy. 3 months out he has to turn in paperwork showing that he is indeed getting out of the Navy. Some information we were not aware of was how it would look getting into the Coast Guard and then into the specific rate Thomas wants. How long would he have to wait to get into the Coast Guard, what would the boot camp and training schools look like, etc. Thomas biggest concerns were that it would be a very long wait time and that if for some reason things did not work out with his school then what? So the basic ideas that I understand. are as follows. 

Once released from the Navy and everything checks out with medical and his paperwork he would have about a month to wait to go to their around 18 day boot camp. Going into the Coast Guard everyone enters in on the same playing field. No special contract for a certain rate. So that means that unlike when he was going into the Navy where he signed a piece of paper saying his track in the Navy would be special forces, it is not until you are fully in after boot camp do you put in for a specific school. That is good because the waiting time to get into a specific school is not waited out outside of the Coast Guard. So Thomas would get through boot camp, put in his packet for the school for AST and then wait his turn for school on a cutter ship somewhere in the U.S. The length of time is 6 months- 1 year. So during that waiting time Thomas would be getting paid and all the benefits of the Coast Guard. That is the case for Thomas because of his prior service time in the Navy. He will enter in the Coast Guard as an E-3 and will only have to wait until the next available spot in a class. I was so thankful that the recruiter Thomas talked with was a guy who works closely with ASTs. He was able to give Thomas an idea of what life looks like in that rate. It was encouraging to hear the over all mood of people in that line of work loved what they did. Just an overall more relaxed feel and that they love what they do. There are only about 300 ASTs in the United States. So it is a very small community of people. The best way to describe it is just thinking about the Navy and what it is, and then thinking of the exact opposite and that is what life would be like working in the Coast Guard. :-) 

After Thomas came out of the recruiter and we talked about everything, just a feeling of peace about the situation just came over me. Thomas is excited. It would be a job he would love. It is a job where he could stay physically active and make a difference. And I would actually see him every now and then.

;-) The specifics and timing on everything is still pretty vague, but we know the general main ideas on things. And we also know that at any moment life events can happen and change everything in a moment, but we are so thankful for the peace of what we do know and what is coming next. :-) We just have to continue to be faithful and obedient to what God has in store for us. 

A New Beginning

After almost nine months of being away my husband is finally home. It is still hard to believe. I am afraid if I close my eyes to long he will be gone again. I am so thankful it will be a little bit before he leaves again. It has been fun to not be alone any more. We have gotten to do some fun things together and just enjoy some time away from life for a little bit. 

As much as it is fun and nice to have Thomas home it is a challenge. I have been alone for so long I have forgotten what it is like to really share a daily life with someone. And I have gotten a little bit more of a spit fire and need to relearn how to hold my tongue and be submissive again. It is also so crazy to see how much we each have grown and changed this year. It is literally like starting over at square one again. All the feelings of when I first met him. The good and the bad. Totally nervous and self consoius. Afraid of saying the wrong thing. Mourning the loss of who Thomas was and how I missed it all. How I am still missing the whole picture of all the little things that have changed him. It is not a bad thing just a huge in your face message of how much I missed. How I will never get that time back, and how I had really nothing to do with any of it. I had some input into is life on deployment, but only as much as an e-mail can. I am just sad I guess. I actually counted the days on how long we have been married and how much of that actual time we have ben together. We will have married three years this month which equals to around1,095 days I think. And he has only been home with me 405 of those days. Reminds me of the reason I quit counting and looking at the numbers. I can't change the facts. I am so thankful for my faithful Father in heaven who has kept us together. Through him we beat the odds. As many memories we have missed we have so many many more to look forward to.

 We have a lot of new beginnings starting this new year. Learning how to be married for the first time since we have gotten married is going to be a challenge amid all of the other changes. God is really going to stretch and refine me this upcoming year. I am going to have to face a lot of my fears I have been avoiding. I am thankful though that this year I won't have to figure it all out by myself. One step at a time. One day at a time is all I can really do anyways. That is all God has asked me to do. Daily pick up my cross and follow him. The verse in Psalms that talks about God's word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path comes to my mind right now. I don't know the whole picture I just can see the steps in front of me. 

I close my eyes...

               I close my eyes and there you are.......
  Your sweet handsome face with a smile that stretches from one ear to the next.
Your hand is in mine and I look down and see your wedding ring, and
                      remember that you are mine.

              I close my eyes and I see the tears....
The tears that fell down your check as you held me close.
Knowing that it would be a really long time before we would get
          to hold each other and see each other again.

          I close my eyes and I remember the starry night...
The starry night sky we stood under together and you kissed me for the first time.
      I can't help but smile and remember each time I see the stars.

    I close my eyes and I remember the sound of your heartbeat...
After a long hard day I dream about the night I can fall asleep
next to you with my head on your chest listening to the sound of
                      your strong steady heartbeat.

I miss you my love. Every time I close my eyes you are there. I miss my strong man. We have made it so far and we will make it to the end. I wish with everything inside of me I could hold you tonight. But I am so thankful I have a life time to make up for the moments we have missed. Stay safe my love. I will see you soon. :-*

6 Months

It is crazy how time does fly. I can't believe it was 6 months ago that I dropped Thomas off on base and said goodbye. A part of me feels like it was just yesterday. All the feelings and emotions are still around. The hard part is knowing that he isn't anywhere close to being home again. I can't believe the last time I got to talk to him and see his face at the same time was in July for 15 minutes over the satellite video teleconference. I think that is the part that makes it so hard. Not getting a chance to see his face regularly and missing hearing his voice. I really hate that the video I have of him on my computer got erased when I had to fix my computer. 

It hasn't been easy. There have been good days and bad ones. Sometimes bad weeks. I am so thankful though for the friends I have made and the really sweet memories I do have these past 6 months. 

My first big trip of the summer was to go to Tennessee to visit my grandparents for a week and my awesome friend Keilah. I loved spending time with my grandparents. They helped me finish a quilt I had been working on and start work on the second. I loved hearing all the stories about my family from my grandma and the walks I got to take with my grandpa. Sweet memories.

Got to spend some time with these two awesome ladies for a whole week! Loved every minute of it. Still can't believe we are old enough to be married and have babies :-) 

I got to go out to Pennsylvania and see my family for my little sister's graduation from the Discipleship Program at Miracle Mountain Missions Ranch. First time we had all been back together in 2 years. A long over due visit. Had a lot of fun being back together as a family. 

Also had some fun back in Virginia with my family after Laura's graduation. I got to visit Maymont in Richmond with my mom, Laura and Bradley. Got to tour the gardens and see the mansion as well. 

Maymont

 I also got to go and visit Williamsburg with my mom. Got to spend the whole day together just the two of us. Haven't gotten to do that in a very long time. I  was so thankful for the time together. 

Me eating at the King's Tavern in Williamsburg. Don't have any of me and mom but just know she was sitting on the other side of me :-) 

I also got to go hiking a couple of different times this summer as well. My favorite hike was going to Wallace Falls near Monroe. It was a beautiful day to go as well. 

Last but not least I got a chance to run in my first 5K run. It was really awesome for the fact that I got to be a part of raising $10,000 for building for a well in Africa. I got to run with my sweet friends Racael and Carmen. Will for sure be looking to try and run in a 5K again. Just have to let my leg heal. I managed to injure it some how back in August and it is still giving me problems. Hoping if I stay away from running until January it might heal on its own. We shall see. :-) 

I heard a song a couple of days ago that I have fallen in love with. Oceans by Hillsong. I just love the lyrics and just how it fits with where my heart is right now in the middle of deployment. 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

God has stretched me beyond what I have thought possible this past 6 months. Each day God wakes me up and helps me get out of bed. There are so many days I would just love to sit in my pjs and just hide from the world. I hate that I have to work so hard just to get through simple tasks. God and I have had our rough patches this deployment. Sometimes I am just numb to everything around me, but he draws me back in and reminds me that he is there carrying me. He is good and He is faithful. I am thankful He never gives up on me. 

I love my husband so very much. Every day I pray that he stays safe and that soon I will get to hug him and hug him and see his handsome smiling face. One day at a time. 

Thoughts

    Seems lately that all my best time with God has been while I am running. Running has always been my time that I can get away and just go off in my world of thoughts. Today listening to a song about living for Christ it reminded me of why I am doing all that I am doing. I am working hard and getting into shape for Christ. So I can live to show his glory. It is why I want to be a nurse. I want to serve my King and that really is the only way I am going to succede. I can't do it without God. He is the one who gives me success and makes it possible for me to dream big. There is always someone out there who is smarter, faster, can hold a plank position longer than me or get more A's in a school year than I can. What makes me special is Christ. He has given me a plan and a special purpose. What I want to choose is to seek Him with all my heart and the rest will follow.
    I love running. Especially when it is nice and sunny out. So thankful for a sunny day today and a new day to live for God. I pray with all my heart my focus stays on Him. I can't do it without him.

" Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power..." Ephesians

A Week to Remember

   This week I will remember forever. So many amazing things have happened this week. For one, I got to see my mom who I haven't seen in almost a year. I have loved every moment of it. It has been fun to just catch up and laugh together. I have had so much fun showing her my house and the area. She also got me a sewing machine and made me an awesome dress. So excited about it! It has been so nice to have her here this week for support as I went through the process for donating bone marrow. The procedure I went through was different than what your normally think of when donating bone marrow. The procedure I went through is called Peripheral Blood Stem Cell donation, or PBSC. Unlike in a bone marrow donation where they surgically go into the bone, PBSC is non-surgical and takes it from my blood itself and sends it through a machine similar to a dialysis machine. When it goes through the machine it sorts through the cells and takes what it needs and then returns it back to my body.

   Five days before the procedure I was given a shot called Filgrastim which caused my body to produce more blood forming cells in my body. It was an interesting experience. :-) I became not so afraid of getting shots, and I found out that the more relaxed I was the less it hurt.

I am so thankful for the sweet nurse that God gave me for the week. Her name was Jeanene and she is a preacher's wife and the sweetest woman in the world. I enjoyed talking with her through the process. She prayed with me the last day of my shots and it was such a blessing and a comfort. Made me even more excited about becoming a nurse one day.

So form Sunday to Wednesday I went in each day to get a shot in each arm. After class on Wednesday Mom and I went down to our hotel for the night. The National Marrow Donor Program paid for us to stay in a hotel right across form the donation site. Another amazing blessing. From all the generous donations of people all across the country people the program could pay for our accommodations. 

It was so nice to be able to just relax in a nice comfy bed. I was so tired and sore in my lower back. I felt like a queen amongst all the soft pillows. Words can't even describe how unworthy I felt through this process. The National Marrow Program took such good care of us with accommodations. 

Thursday morning we woke up at 6;30 so we could be at the blood center by 7. That morning I got my last shot of Filgrastim. Afterwards mom and I went and ate lunch at a yummy cafe across the street for about an hour. From there we head back to the blood center for the donation procedure. 

Again the nurses were so amazing. After some initial prepping the put one steel needle in my right arm where the blood would be taken out, and one normal needle in my left arm where the blood would enter back into my body. The hardest part of it all was the fact that I couldn't bend my right arm at all because the steel needle would damage my veins. I didn't realize just how often you bend your elbows until I couldn't bend mine at all. So thankful for such compassionate nurses who helped adjust my arm and massage my arm muscles when my arm would begin to hurt so bad. My total volume of blood donation was 18 liters. The nurses told me based on my total body blood volume the blood had to completely circulate through my body about 5-6 times. The total procedure lasted about 4 hours and 30 minutes. My mom helped keep me distracted. And they had a nice set up to where we could watch movies while I was laying there. We watched episodes of Murphy Brown and the movie Leap Year. Helped me to laugh and stay distracted through it all. :-) 

The whole process has been so amazing. I still can't believe I was given the opportunity to be a part of something like this. I just keep praying hard for the patient and the family. That God would give them peace through the process and that God would protect the patient from infection. God has taught and shown me so much through this. That while I may be little has made me mighty. That I don't have to go out and be a big super hero kind of person to make a difference in the world. God can use me right here where I am at if I am willing. I don't have to have all the right words. I just have to be still and know that he is God and he works in and though every one. 

If you think you would like to make a difference just like I have or even by donating blood I would encourage you to do so. I know by being in blood centers they always need willing people to come donate blood or platelets. If you would like to join the Be the Match Registry to see if you one day might be a match like I was I posted the link at the end of the blog. 

God is so amazing and is just amazing at how he works everything together. I started this whole process at Rochester College in Michigan. The patient I donated to lives in Michigan. I am a small person and the patient ended up being a small person as well. He works all the together for the good, and he does it perfectly. I hope one day I get to hear from the patient but even if I don't I am just so thankful I got to be a part of the big picture. Please continue to pray for the family and the patient receiving the donation. Pray her body has received it well and that the patient would be protected form infection. 

http://marrow.org/Join/Join_the_Registry.aspx