EMS Strong: No one fights alone

EMS Strong: No one Fights Alone

                 " You have to be a little bit crazy to do this job..."

      Over three years ago I started working in EMS. I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into. It has been a life changing experience for sure. I thought in honor of EMS week I would share a few of my thoughts and stories. 

***disclaimer: the following are my experiences and thoughts. they don't represent anyone but myself. ***

      Working in private EMS you are definitely not in it for the money. I work hard for the money, there is no doubt about that. I work four 12 hour shifts minimum in a week. Then add working in Fresno, CA and life gets interesting fast. To put in perspective, in the little over three years I have worked in Fresno, I have over 3,000 patient contacts. It is a triple threat of a city. Large low income population, large drug use and gang population, and has one of the dangerous highways in the U.S. run through it. There is never a dull moment in the city. I am thankful for my job and the experience I am gaining through working in Fresno, but there are definitely days I wish my paycheck was larger. 


                 The difference between an EMT and Paramedic

   I frequently get asked if there is a difference between an EMT and a Paramedic. Yes. Yes there is a difference. I have worked in both positions. EMTs are fantastic. They have BLS ( basic life support skills) down. They can help bandage, splint, protect airways with basic maneuvers and airway adjuncts. They are the muscles behind CPR. Another kind voice and support in all of the madness. In some systems they are it. They are the ones who come and care for you in he craziest of circumstances but they have their limits. 
        Paramedics are the highest level of care in the per-hospital setting. We get to use all the fancy tools and have a significant drug box to pull from depending on the EMS system we work in.  I highly encourage those who don't really fully grasp a pramedic's skill level to look up their national scope of practice. You would be amazed at what all we can do. 
    Some days it bothers me when people just brush off what I can do or think I am just an ambulance driver. Really stop and think for a moment....if I was just an ambulance driver why did you call 911? 
And remember.........

        When I show up at your door I am it. You don't get to pick and choose who shows up.........

     There have been several occasions where I have showed up and been told that the caller specifically requested that a female does not respond to their house. I have also showed up and had someone running out of the house with a cane screaming, " No men! No men! I told them females only". It was a very awkward situation to say the least. I have had people refuse to talk to me because I was a female. They wanted help and were sick but because I was a female they were not going to talk with me. So I placed them in the back of my ambulance and drove them to the hospital. Thankfully though they waited to projectile vomit until they made it to the hospital bed. I have been told you can't lift me we need the fire department. You don't get to pick and choose who shows up at your door when you call 911. I know it is a crazy concept. Closest unit gets dispatched (or so dispatch tells us. But I do wonder sometimes).
I do promise if I show up though, I will make sure there is the appropriate resources available to help you in your emergency. If you don't like me because I am a girl......well sucks to be you I guess. 

                       Why did you bring them here......

   

    To the triage staff......

Please don't ask me why I brought someone to your hospital. They chose to come to your hospital. They have the right to chose. They are here now here so stop giving me grief for doing my job and for honoring the patient's right to chose the hospital of care. You look very dumb for asking such a question. If you don't like it, then help change the rules to closest appropriate facility with the county and state. 

   To the ED staff......

Some days I don't have it all together. Believe it or not, I don't speak six languages or have the ability to look into the magic crystal computer at the hospital to see all of the patient information. If they don't tell me, I don't know it. I don't have security at my immediate disposal. I will miss things, but not because I don't care. Believe it or not I like my job and I am good at it. If I didn't do something it is because I can't based on a protocol or the patient wouldn't let me. 

     
       I see your pain. I see your grief. I feel the overwhelming sadness and grief that led you to take your life.........I hate the unfairness of the airbags not deploying and the seat belt not doing its job........I feel the weight of declaring your loved one dead. It is not an easy decision or one I wish I had to make.......

    I always knew that I would show up on hard and emotionally challenging calls. It was not if but a when. I can say there have been very few hero moments and many what in the world did I get myself into moments over the past three years. When my husband came on a ride along a while back it really hit home how normal being a witness to suffering had become. It is a normal occurrence but I am not immune to the effects of witnessing. I have learned how to grieve and mourn the hard moments. I have been close to walking away from it all. 
   For those who have to call us in your moment of crisis or grief, we see it. We want to step in and fix it but sometimes we can't. I wish more than anything I could take the pain away. 
  To the mother who lost her child, I will never forget the overwhelming grief and wail of sorrow when you were told your child was dead. To the drunk driver who walked away with minor injuries but permanently harmed and killed others...my dislike and hate will always be there. To the foster kid stuck in a terrible spot and having no desire to live any more.....please try again and take it one day at a time. 
I am a full believer in that time heals. Time helps bring perspective and shows goodness where there once was darkness. The hard calls are never going to go away. We live in a broken world. 
And as one of my coworkers shared with me when I was at rock bottom, "Bad things happen...period. That is never going to change. But you take it one call at a time. Learn from the mistakes and move on. You have to or it will destroy you. Whatever move on looks like to you but you have to move past it".

 

   There is nothing better than working with awesome people. It makes the time go faster, and when things get crazy they have your back. I have made some awesome friends at work. People I know that no matter what happens have my back. That is how I believe we stay "EMS strong" you could say. You need those people who are just as crazy as you to make it through all of the madness. They help you come back to center when you are stomping and jumping around in the ambulance bay at all the stupidity that just happened. They are the ones to be there to help you clean up the disaster in the ambulance and help you find a few laughs after a terrible call. They are the ones that check in on you to make sure that you stick around. 
To end this I thought I would end with a few pictures of some of the people who have helped me stay sane (sane enough). 
My battle buddies. 

Life is better with homemade lemon bars

First summer solo kicking butt

My big brothers who continually watch my back and keep any eye on me. 

The Ghosts that Follow Me

The Ghosts that Follow Me

In a city that I see the depths and the darkness it holds,
        the ghosts follow me.

I hear the piercing, gut wrenching cry of a mother who just lost her child.
I see her child's face. I see her weep. I grab my gear....
       and the ghosts follow me.

I see the teenagers blood on my hands,
I smell the iron. Nothing I do can get the smell of blood out of my nose.
I am handed a graduation medallion and my heart breaks.
         the ghosts follow me.

I am greeted by a loved one and they tell me their dearly loved spouse is really sick.
We move their loved one to our gurney and I hear the last breath they take.
We call for an extra unit and start compressions.
         the ghosts follow me.

I hold the hand of a patient going to a care facility for their lasts moments on Earth.
As they struggle to breath, I sit there and talk to them about the weather.
I tell them they are not alone.
Family is not there waiting for them at the destination. They are alone. So I sit there and hold their hand.
         the ghosts follow me.

I see the car in flames. I see the two people inside.
I pray like I never prayed before that the trauma got them first.
      the ghosts follow me

I see the one who was forgotten. Who was cast out.
Who looks me in the eyes and shows me they have nothing left. They can't fight any longer.
Why does it matter no one wants them anyways.
I try my hardest to talk. To come up with words to fill the darkest, deepest void.
I am speechless.
I walk them to the hospital bed. I grab my gear....
    the ghosts follow me


Every day it seems like a new ghost comes. I fall asleep and they are there. Any form of iron smell puts me back in the ambulance. I cannot drive through the city without feeling the sadness and heartache that cries out. Will I ever be able to remove these ghosts?

A light calls out in the darkness.
One of Hope.
One of Love.
A father who calls his children to him
One who says to cast all your cares on him.

Then before the cross I kneel. I cry. I wail.
LORD why so much pain! Why so much sadness! Why did you put me there.

I kneel before the Father. One by one, I show him the ghosts that follow me.
He listens. He reminds me that he is there. He is there in the darkness.
He despises evil. He reminds me that I am weak....BUT..... HE is STRONG.
The LORD God never leaves me. He is there in the midst of sadness.

In this world you will have struggles but take heart.....I have overcome the world. His promise.
One day there will be no more sadness. No more pain.
I will help place your ghosts to rest.

I lay my head on my pillow and sleep. Where there once was darkness there is light.



"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."   John 1:1-5

Paramedic School

     

         Paramedic School is an adventure.......no.. it is where you go to learn to save lives....no..wait            that's not it.......... Paramedic school is where you slowly lose any sanity you thought you ever had.             

                

   These past 10 months have been absolutely crazy. Believe it or not though I have learned a lot, and had some fun while doing it. Here is just a short list of the things that describe Medic school so far. I still have a few more months left, and I have no doubt I will learn and experience many more things as I continue down this path. 

1. Working full time and going to school full time is not an easy task 

    For 8 of the past 10 months I have been working full time and going to school full time. The most challenging thing I have ever had to do. Full time work week is 48 hours. Then add in 24 hours of physically showing up to class. (Some days my brain didn't follow me to class) Oh yeah and don't forget to add studying in there.....and maybe see family or friends. Trust me there are not enough hours in the week. I am thankful to say that I am finally part time at work (36 hours) now, but my bank account doesn't like me so much now. 

2. To sleep or to eat... that is the question 

    I never thought the decision to eat or sleep could be such a monumental decision in a day. Or how many times I would only have enough energy to do one or the other. Most days sleep definitely trumped food. 

3. Friends are key to survival

     First day of class we got to pick a table to sit at. Little did we know at the time, but that table of people would be the key to surviving. I am so thankful for the group I ended up sitting with. Some days they were the only reason I didn't just stand up and walk out of class when things got ridiculous. Many tears, angry spouts and moments of success.

I am also very thankful for the friends I have made at work. They have helped me through a lot of hard calls at work, and helped me get a relief from the stress in class. Friends are key to survival. There is no way I could make it through by myself. 

4. Paramedic School. Where everything is made up and the points don't matter 

      When I first started the classroom portion I was in full nerd mode. I did all the homework and kicked but on the tests. As we went on in class, the tests got more stupid and directions from the instructors became more muddy. The best video clip I was shown by one of my paramedic partners was the, Whose Line is it Anyways clip, where Drew Carey states over and over again how everything is made up and the points don't matter. Best advise I got through the classroom portion of school. I gained a little more of my sanity back after that. I have learned in Field Internship that book knowledge is a great foundation to have, but there is so much more to it. 

5. The hospital is not a place for me

      Going to the different  hospitals for clinical rotation was definitely a once in a lifetime experience. In Fresno we have a Level 1 Trauma hospital, children's hospital and several general hospitals. At the Level 1 Trauma center hospital there is also the only burn center in the central valley. Going to the different ERs and spending time in the Children's post-op and the burn unit was a very unique and cool experience. Getting the opportunity to learn about the different resources available, and seeing what happens after we bring patients to the hospital was very interesting. It made me very thankful for those who chose to work in the hospitals. Ultimately I learned that the hospital is not a place for me. Made me realize how much I love working in the field. 

6. Working in the back of an ambulance is challenging. 

      Starting an IV in a hospital verses in the back of a moving ambulance are two very different things. For starters, you have so many more helping hands in the hospital. Second, you have full access to all areas of the patient. In the back of the ambulance the gurney is locked up against a wall. Making the patient's left side not easily accessible. When the only good arm for an IV is on the right side, things get a little tricky in the back of the ambulance. I can say I have already been thrown into the bench seat. Not a fan of that, but at the end of the call you have a good story to go with it. Learning to work in a small space, in a moving unit, with a limited amount of time is how we kick butt. 

7. A good teacher is priceless

      I am very thankful for the teachers in class, the nurses in the hospitals and my preceptor. They all have taken the time to help me learn skills and coach me along the way when I have needed some direction. I am very thankful for the nurses who took the initiative to help me learn how to start IVs, push medications and let me help with hard cases. Not everyone has to gift of teaching or the patience to deal with a timid paramedic student. And Lord bless my paramedic preceptors. The level of patience they have is amazing. 

8. My husband is a super hero

    My husband has had to put up with so much this year. He has had to deal with me being completely absent at times. Super stressed. Bawling my eyes out from so much emotional stress. Not once has he ever questioned what I do. We have had a lot of low moments this year. I am thankful though we have had a lot of good moments as well. Some days I have no idea what is going on in my husband's life and it kills me. I have been reminded many times that thankfully this will only last for just a short time. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. 

9. This is not a job for the faint of heart

There have been a lot of gut check moments while I have been working this year. A lot of calls where I am left wondering ,when it is my turn in the hot seat, will I be able to do this job. Will I be able to look people in the eye and tell them that their loved one is dead. Will I have the composer it takes to step into a crisis and bring some kind of order to the chaos.

Right now, I feel  like I did when I was four standing at the end of the diving board for the first time. I remember standing at the edge holding my two empty milk jugs thinking what is going to happen when I jump. My swim teacher told me that the milk jugs would help me stay above water, and I believed her but I  still had my doubts. As I stood there at the edge and looked in the deep dark water, I really wondered if I was gong to sink or swim. If I did start to sink, would I remember what my teachers told me about kicking and holding my breath? As I slowly make it through field internship I am left wondering if I am going to remember everything I was taught or am I going to sink. 

10. You can't be afraid to make mistakes

 The lessons I learn after I make a mistake are the ones I never forget. I have been and will continue to make mistakes. I will miss things or fail to treat things I should have. The best thing I an do though is get back up and learn from the mistake. 

     Being a paramedic student has been one of the hardest yet most rewarding things I have done. There is nothing else I would rather be doing. For the first time in my life I don't feel like i am trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. This is not easy and no I do not get paid anywhere close enough for all of this madness. But at the end of the day I always want to go back to work. I love that I get an opportunity to make a difference in my community and some days get to be a part of saving someones life. So I keep fighting and kicking butt. 

A Place to Call Home

It is hard for me to believe that it is already the middle of September. It seems it was just yesterday the beginning of January, just starting into the new year. So many things have happened since then. Honestly, a lot has happened since the beginning of August. It feels like a life time ago. For all my family and close friends out there wondering what is coming next for Thomas and I here is just a short blurb of the last month and a half of our life......

   In July Thomas went underway with the ship for about a month. Longest month of my life. It just really hit both of us just how tired we are of military life and being always a part from one another. I was just tired of it all. And after this last week I am so over anything military. Thomas and I are so thankful for the Navy and all that God provided through the Navy, but we both just had that feeling of, it is time to move on.

   Yes, Thomas could easily go into the Coast Guard. In reality nothing would really change for me or fro Thomas if we went that route. It would like be deciding to put on another coat after you got tired of always wearing the same one. While it was a comforting transition it was very defeating all at the same time. So we decided to really trust God and REALLY be open minded to where God wanted us to go.

  In August we went and visited Thomas' family and friends in California. Up to this point I had pretty much closed the door to ever even thinking about the idea of living in California. Trust me, there were many other places in the world I would rather have looked into living. But I decided to stop being stubborn and spend lots of time in prayer and being open to new ideas. Thomas and I were just seeing if there was any way possible we could live outside of military world. We asked God to show us and make it obvious. I prayed so hard that doors would be slammed in our face if we were to really go into the Coast Guard.

Well God slammed doors and he opened a big one...........

  We looked into a "little" city north of Fresno called Oakdale. While there were opportunities there wasn't enough to make it into something. By just looking it opened our eyes to the idea of owning a home and being together all the time. Through different conversations with friends and family we started looking into living in Fresno. Honestly we were just passively looking. Curiosity got the best of us and we wanted to see if we could really afford to live there. The next set of events all happened within three days....

  Thomas looked into started back into school and using the G.I. benefits and what all would come of that, I sent e-mails to several relaters about houses and applied to American Ambulance in Fresno. I ended up hearing from one relater about a house so the next day we went and met with him at the house. The house was a failure, let's just say we found our self on a bad side of town. But we did end up meeting an awesome relater that would help us out with the remainder of our house searching process. He is a great-grandpa and has been in the real estate business since 1970. He spent 20 years in the service and helped us figure out all this house buying stuff. I was just so very thankful to meet him. He got us pre-approved, so we new how much in the end we could afford. And Thomas and I were both surprised that there was actually a possibility that we could buy a house. :-)

  The next day we met with the same relater to look at two houses we picked out the day before to look at. Thomas and I had very specific parameters on what we wanted to buy. Honestly I thought there was no way. Again we just went fro curiosity sake. Just so we would know for when Thomas got out. We had a very specific price range, 3 bedroom/2 bathroom request, and had to be move in ready. The first two houses we looked at did not meet that. So we were kind of ready to just be done. Then our relater showed us one house that had just come on the market that morning, and asked if we would be interested in seeing it. From the description on paper it looked promising, but we had already looked at three houses at that point that had looked promising on paper. Needless to say when we stepped into the house I just knew this was it. From the kitchen, to the beautiful thick carpet and the layout of the house, I was sold. (For those of you who have heard my carpet rant know just how exciting nice thick carpet is ) We told our relater we wanted to put in an offer fro the house.......and 24 hours later......it was ours! Yep, we were now starting the process of buying a house of our very own. Total shock.
  The remainder of our time we spent doing our research about jobs and what all the benefits would include for Thomas going back to school. I almost had an interview with American Ambulance while I was there. I ended up just missing one piece of paperwork and they wouldn't give me an interview without it. I was bummed but hopeful that once we got down there I would have a very good chance of getting hired by them. Thomas' school benefits included money for housing which we found out would cover the mortgage, plus give us money for bills. He also would have a job right away as well.
Again, mind...blown.

 Thomas and I sat down and talked about it all. We realized that without working very hard at all on our part, God had laid out everything before us. It is true that God hears and he answers prayers. This is not the most comfortable option. It scars me to death sometimes when I think about it. Starting over is never easy but we don't have to start over on our own. It ends up opening up so many more possibilities than we ever thought. When we finally took God for who he was, he showed us that he has bigger and much better things planned for us than we had planned for ourselves.

So all of this means......
 On October 31st we will be driving a big U-haul truck and our car out of Washington state to Fresno, California. So very thankful for the friends coming on this road trip with us to help us out.
We are still in the paperwork process of our house but we having a closing date on it for October 15th and our loan is approved and locked into place. I have begun the task of sorting, organizing, throwing away and packing up the house. Right now at this moment it seems like I am standing at the bottom of a huge mountain and have to figure out how to climb it. Right now God is pushing me to trust him with finances. A very growing experience. He is pushing me to trust him with the future. And for once in my life all I can think about is just the next step in front of me. It is a very humbling and growing place to be in. Buying a house long distance is a challenge. ;-) I am excited and thankful though for the new opportunities and blessing that lie ahead.

Just so very excited and thankful that we will finally have a place to call home......;-)

Romantic Crap, that it is just that, Crap

 *Disclaimer* This is not a post at all in reference to my husband. He is loving, kind and I love being married to him. This post is strictly about the icky feelings of being a military wife stuck in the middle of military life


Today is just a hard day. Thomas has been underway for 2 weeks and it is just wearing on me. On top of him being gone it has been four days since I heard anything from him. And for all you wives who say 'only four days well my goodness I have gone weeks' but I have no doubt at 4 days, 1 week, 2 weeks, etc. you are feeling the same way I am feeling right now. No matter how many days or weeks, when we don't hear from our guy it sucks. And what sucks even more is when you know the work environment they are in sucks too and there is nothing you can do about it. You just hope and pray they at least can read the e-mails you have sent so they aren't so miserable. Days like today nothing works. No romantic quotes about loving a sailor/solider through the distance, how it is all worth it stuff makes a no bit of difference. Because all I want to do is look at the person and roll my eyes and walk away. I am physically agitated, emotionally tired and frustrated. If I played soccer right now I would be playing till I probably hurt myself. Just playing till every inch of my body couldn't feel anymore.

   I know there is going to be that random person who by chance reads this and thinks oh how pathetic I sound and say well you signed up for this. You knew what you were getting into. And yes while I knew that I would be marrying a guy in the military, the Navy is a whole different animal than the military I knew. And just because you know the bridge is going to fall a part when you drive over it doesn't mean it hurts any less on the way down.
Over 75% of the time Thomas and I have been together we have been a part. We didn't expect that to happen but it did. We have made it work. And it is worth it. Through all the hard times apart I am so thankful for Thomas. It is not Thomas I am frustrated with. Thomas I know would be home in a heart beat. Thomas loves me and he loves being married to me. Just like I love being married to him.
Unless you have been or are going through this kind of life it is hard to understand.

You stuff emotions so you can survive. If you didn't you would be stuck on the couch in your pjs watching sad movies. (been there, done that). You find ways to move past the emotions and focus on what is in front of you. For me I spend a lot of time in prayer and my Bible. There are days I spend angry at God. But it helps me to know that he is watching over all of it. All of this isn't without purpose. That helps me make it through to the next moment. Then I put on my big girl panties and I start the day. Knowing that God is here with me. I don't have any motivation to do anything, but he gets me through to the next step. I would love for life to be put on hold until Thomas got back. But that isn't how life works. So I keep moving. One step at a time. The sadness and anger come. But then if I keep holding on to God's promises there is Joy.

I am angry, frustrated and sad. I am broken, heartbroken, and devastated by lost time and missed words. BUT......I am loved by Thomas and my God. More than I could have ever imagined. I have no job or specific purpose right now other than to be a wife who takes care of everything at home while my husband is away and do what God has asked me to do for each day. For now that is enough.

Pieces

Pieces


I sit here looking at the broken pieces not knowing what to do.
Each one a piece of this life that you have given me.
Energy, sweat and tears marking each piece.
As I sit here in the pile I wonder what on Earth I am suppose to do.
I cannot see how they go together.
Each one beautifully crafted by you.
Each one full of great significance.

I earnestly seek you God to show me what pieces go together.
You are the great designer and I am at a loss.
While I can see each separate piece I cannot see the puzzle.
I am tired and worn.
I cannot bear to carry the weight alone.
Show me Lord, please show me.

I do not have much to offer you.
I am weak and poor.
My strength grows weak and my heart grows faint......

BUT I choose this day to HOPE.
I put my HOPE in your great plan.
That you will not leave me to waste away.
You hear my cry in the midst of the uncertainty.
You hold my heart in the palm of your hand.

Hold the pieces in your hands Lord.
Place them together.
Show me where to go.
Help me to follow.
Be my strength and my guide.

Psalm 145

The Character of God:

   If you ever wonder who God is and what is his character all you have to do is spend some time reading through the Psalms and you will find Him.

Character of God revealed in Psalm 145:

  Some words I found that the Psalmist used to describe God and their definitions:

Gracious: marked by kindness and courtesy
Compassionate: feeling or showing concern for someone who is sick, hurt, poor, etc..
Faithful:firm in adherence to promises, having or showing true constant support
Loving: feeling or showing love
Righteous: morally right, free from guilt or sin

All that He does:

"slow to anger, rich in love..."
"upholds all those who fall, lifts up all who are bowed down..."
"satisfy the desires of every living thing..."
"is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth..."
"fulfills the desires of those who fear him..."
" hears their cry and saves them..."
"watches over all who love him...."


My response after reading, learning and experiencing  God is none other than praise to Him. Standing in awe of the things he has done and what he is going to do. I praise his name so others will come to know who he is, as the Psalmist put it. So others will know of his might and great wonders he has done.
 Verse 21: " My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD. Let every creature praise his holy name for ever and ever".

Be Still Little One.....

Be Still Little One....

Be still and listen little one for my direction....
You are worried and anxious,
fear not for I am with you....

Be still and rest little one....
You work hard and spend your time running around trying to hold things together,
let me hold the pieces in my hands and mold you to be the one I created you to be.....

Be still and rest little one....
Tears fall from your eyes and your heart is bursting in sadness,
 cry on my shoulder,
pour out your heart to me....
I am listening.....

Be still and know the I am God.....
You don't know where to to turn,
turn to me...
I hold the world in my hands and I am holding your hand,
I am there and I will not leave

Take courage little one...
When you feel like you have nothing left to give,
let me step in and fight for you and give you MY strength to finish the tasks at hand

Fear not little one.....
When you look at the future and don't know where to go next,
follow me,
I will direct your path ONE step at a time,
You may slip but I will uphold you with my righteous right hand

Feel my love little one....
When you feel alone,
when the world is beating on your tender heart,
when tragedy and the unexpected strikes,
MY love will be there.......

I AM the Lord your God.....NEVER will I leave you.....NEVER will I forsake you....This my dear you can count on.....I am here and I always will be.......

Psalm 150

      "Let everything that has breath praise the LORD....."


Prayer of Praise and Thankfulness:

   Praise him for a week of sunshine and warmth. When you step outside you are wrapped in the sun's comfort and warmth. A feeling I have missed. For the joy that comes in the sunshine. For the beauty that I can enjoy in the sunshine. Relaxing time spent by the water and for putting color back in my pasty white skin. 
 Thankful that in times of loneliness God has placed friendship. In the hard moments he is present and there by my side. 


"Praise him for his acts of power; praise him for his surpassing greatness..."

   I stand in awe and wonder at the works of God's power and majesty. That he paints the sky at night with color and beauty as the sun sets. In his power there is gentleness. The same God who can bring winds powerful enough to destroy houses can bring a gentle breeze to cool the night off. His mighty. With his strong hands he he holds the world together. With those same mighty hands he gently forms a baby in a mother's womb. How great mighty HE is. 


"Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens....."

Thankful that one day I will get to praise and honor my King in heaven. "In his mighty heavens"......what an amazing picture that brings to my mind. A place of wonder and majesty. There is a place for me one day. A place of peace and joy. No more sorrow, no more pain or struggle or strife. My heart longs for this place. To be with my God. 

   While I wait here in this earth I am thankful he is there with me. Thankful that no matter where I go he is watching over me. 


"PRAISE THE LORD!" 

Am I Enough

     Got an e-mail today form the EMT instructor about what will be coming at the end of the month. After going through all of the information four times, one resounding feeling of FEAR hit me in the face. While it is so exciting to think I get to be a part of an ER rotation and ambulance ride alongs, it is also so very terrifying. I get to finally learn how to save lives. What wouldn't be exciting about that? As soon as I have a slight feeling of excitement I am afriad. The question that comes to my mind every time is, can I do it? Will I be able to learn all the information I need to so I can pass the tests every class period? Will I be able to pass the midterm and final practical exams? Will I choke during the field work and totally mess up a patient? Will I be strong enough to lift and move a patient without causing more harm to a patient? And the answer to all these questions is............. I have no idea.

     It is going to be the hardest 11 weeks of my life. I do know this much. I am going to be pouring over my textbook and studying till all hours of the night. I am going to get stressed and exhausted. Thomas is going to start his in and out schedule during this time. So there will be times I will be doing it all by myself again. Which just makes my heart sad. I know my brain can take in a lot of information in a short amount of time because I have already made it through anatomy. If I can make it through a class that demanded 40+ hours a week from me and a scary teacher to boot, I should be able to make it through the course work. I know one more important fact that supersedes it all. God has brought me here and he will see me through till the end. He will be there when I am alone. He has given me the ability to love on others and see their needs. He has given me a brain. Yep if God hadn't given me the brain probably wouldn't be here right now ;-) His grace is suffienct. He will give me what I need to finish. In the end he is the one who saves a life not me. I will just be a piece in a gigantic puzzle. These are the things I am going to have to remember for the next few months.

    So much is going to happen in a short amount of time. It is hard to imagine that I will finally be able to make a real impact and be able to get a long term job. That we are down to 8 and a half months and Thomas will be moving on from the Navy. I have defiantly been compartmentalizing. If I think about everything to often my heart can't handle all of the different emotions. One day at a time. That is all I can do. Taking it one hour, one task at a time. In the hard moments knowing God will be there to carry me when I can't stand. That it is ok to have my weak moments and not have everything together. That in my weakness God will make me strong. His strength will shine through. That is my prayer. That I won't give way to fear. That I can stand confident in Christ not in my own strength. And that the people I will be spending a lot of time with will see where my strength comes from. There is more than one way to change and have a life be saved. :-)

I am humbled and in awe of my opportunity. Cannot wait to buy my stethoscope :-)

"Where you Lead I will Follow...."

              It is still hard to believe that a year ago Thomas and I were preparing for deployment. It just seems like night and day when I think about where we were and where we are now. It has been a crazy year of surviving, seeking and learning about where God is taking us. Like he usually does, God has some different ideas than how I thought things were going to be, but that is ok. I am finding out his way is so so so much better than what I had originally thought. We have crossed the great adventure of an almost 9 deployment and now Thomas is back home. So now what does that mean as far as concerns with the makeup of our little family, what are Thomas and I doing now and the direction we are heading this year?

       

Burt and Annie still manage to keep us on our toes :-) Do not know what I would have done without these two crazy critters during deployment. They make our life interesting. They have both successfully learned to consistently use the toilet so that is an awesome accomplishment. They complete our family perfectly for the time being. My heart has worked through a lot on the area of family. Through conversations with Thomas and just coming to a place of peace and contentment with my condition of Endometriosis. Realizing that God is really in control. That it is ok and just as admirable to seek after a career that honors and glorifies God. He has given me an special heart of compassion and understanding for the women out there who are wives who do not have children yet or in the future. My personal note out there to you women who do have children, remember to be sensitive and compassionate to those women out there who do not have children, and who choose to seek a career. You do not know there story so be slow to make a judgement or make them feel insignificant. 

So what is up with Thomas and I now. A year ago if you asked me what I would be doing this Spring I would easily have said Nursing School. Well God sure had a different idea :-) When I finally was still and listened to him through ways of my husband and other people in my life he showed me something different. And that was becoming an EMT. Who would have thought? Not me. When I finally stopped pitching my hissy fit I was able to see just how amazing becoming an EMT would be. So starting March 29th I will begin the EMT program at Everett Community College. I am excited and extremely nervous. I am doing my best to get physically stronger and bring to God my anxious, stress filled heart. Learning to deal with my anxiety and how I respond to stress has always been a struggle for me. This gives me the great opportunity to see just how God can give me a peace that transcends all understanding. That when I am weak he is strong. When I was in the Fire Science office at school turning in my application for the program, another girl walked in ,and commented after seeing me, how she had better confidence after seeing me there because I was so small. Let's just say that was not the greatest confidence booster. Especially after sitting across the desk from a huge, buff tower of a man. This opportunity just allows me to put my money where my mouth is, and show just how much God can do. I hope to be a testament to that. This does not mean that I am completely giving up on Nursing school. Just giving God a chance to work in my life and show me all that he has in store for me. And I am excited to say that in June I will finally have an Associates Degree. Took some hard work and patience but it is finally paying off. 

For a year Thomas and I have wrestled and stumbled though trying to figure out where to go next. Thomas gets out of the Navy November 23, 2013. Yep, 9ish months from now we will be saying goodbye to the Navy. We have been seeking and searching  all the many options. Trying not to give into fear and just go with the safest option available, but allowing God to work. Thomas has been praying and seeking out what would be the best way he can honor and glorify God. At first my expectation was that he find a career that would provide everything we needed. My fears and expectations got the best of me. We had lots of "fun".....debates on the subject. God's patience and grace has shown through Thomas in a great and powerful way since he has been home. He is not Mr. perfect and I am not Mrs. perfect but God is working through our imperfections. I am so incredibly thankful God has blessed us with family who love us so much. It was such a blessing to know if we could not put things together in time, especially with the extended deployment, that we had plenty of places available to go to help us bridge the gap between the Navy and civilian life. 

  So then what is the direction Thomas is heading you may ask? :-) Well......after going down to Tukwila yesterday and finally talking with a Coast Guard recruiter, Thomas has decided to follow that direction. He finally got to ask all the questions he had, and see what the reality of what that option would look like. He wants to become an Aviation Survival Technician. If any of you have seen the movie The Guardian, then you would know that, that is the person who jumps out of the helicopters to rescue people stuck in the water. So what does that timeline look like then? First Thomas has to fax in just some initial paperwork. He has to take the ASVAB again over different sections that are specific to this rate. He has to send in the paperwork to show his end date in the Navy. 3 months out he has to turn in paperwork showing that he is indeed getting out of the Navy. Some information we were not aware of was how it would look getting into the Coast Guard and then into the specific rate Thomas wants. How long would he have to wait to get into the Coast Guard, what would the boot camp and training schools look like, etc. Thomas biggest concerns were that it would be a very long wait time and that if for some reason things did not work out with his school then what? So the basic ideas that I understand. are as follows. 

Once released from the Navy and everything checks out with medical and his paperwork he would have about a month to wait to go to their around 18 day boot camp. Going into the Coast Guard everyone enters in on the same playing field. No special contract for a certain rate. So that means that unlike when he was going into the Navy where he signed a piece of paper saying his track in the Navy would be special forces, it is not until you are fully in after boot camp do you put in for a specific school. That is good because the waiting time to get into a specific school is not waited out outside of the Coast Guard. So Thomas would get through boot camp, put in his packet for the school for AST and then wait his turn for school on a cutter ship somewhere in the U.S. The length of time is 6 months- 1 year. So during that waiting time Thomas would be getting paid and all the benefits of the Coast Guard. That is the case for Thomas because of his prior service time in the Navy. He will enter in the Coast Guard as an E-3 and will only have to wait until the next available spot in a class. I was so thankful that the recruiter Thomas talked with was a guy who works closely with ASTs. He was able to give Thomas an idea of what life looks like in that rate. It was encouraging to hear the over all mood of people in that line of work loved what they did. Just an overall more relaxed feel and that they love what they do. There are only about 300 ASTs in the United States. So it is a very small community of people. The best way to describe it is just thinking about the Navy and what it is, and then thinking of the exact opposite and that is what life would be like working in the Coast Guard. :-) 

After Thomas came out of the recruiter and we talked about everything, just a feeling of peace about the situation just came over me. Thomas is excited. It would be a job he would love. It is a job where he could stay physically active and make a difference. And I would actually see him every now and then.

;-) The specifics and timing on everything is still pretty vague, but we know the general main ideas on things. And we also know that at any moment life events can happen and change everything in a moment, but we are so thankful for the peace of what we do know and what is coming next. :-) We just have to continue to be faithful and obedient to what God has in store for us. 

A New Beginning

After almost nine months of being away my husband is finally home. It is still hard to believe. I am afraid if I close my eyes to long he will be gone again. I am so thankful it will be a little bit before he leaves again. It has been fun to not be alone any more. We have gotten to do some fun things together and just enjoy some time away from life for a little bit. 

As much as it is fun and nice to have Thomas home it is a challenge. I have been alone for so long I have forgotten what it is like to really share a daily life with someone. And I have gotten a little bit more of a spit fire and need to relearn how to hold my tongue and be submissive again. It is also so crazy to see how much we each have grown and changed this year. It is literally like starting over at square one again. All the feelings of when I first met him. The good and the bad. Totally nervous and self consoius. Afraid of saying the wrong thing. Mourning the loss of who Thomas was and how I missed it all. How I am still missing the whole picture of all the little things that have changed him. It is not a bad thing just a huge in your face message of how much I missed. How I will never get that time back, and how I had really nothing to do with any of it. I had some input into is life on deployment, but only as much as an e-mail can. I am just sad I guess. I actually counted the days on how long we have been married and how much of that actual time we have ben together. We will have married three years this month which equals to around1,095 days I think. And he has only been home with me 405 of those days. Reminds me of the reason I quit counting and looking at the numbers. I can't change the facts. I am so thankful for my faithful Father in heaven who has kept us together. Through him we beat the odds. As many memories we have missed we have so many many more to look forward to.

 We have a lot of new beginnings starting this new year. Learning how to be married for the first time since we have gotten married is going to be a challenge amid all of the other changes. God is really going to stretch and refine me this upcoming year. I am going to have to face a lot of my fears I have been avoiding. I am thankful though that this year I won't have to figure it all out by myself. One step at a time. One day at a time is all I can really do anyways. That is all God has asked me to do. Daily pick up my cross and follow him. The verse in Psalms that talks about God's word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path comes to my mind right now. I don't know the whole picture I just can see the steps in front of me. 

I close my eyes...

               I close my eyes and there you are.......
  Your sweet handsome face with a smile that stretches from one ear to the next.
Your hand is in mine and I look down and see your wedding ring, and
                      remember that you are mine.

              I close my eyes and I see the tears....
The tears that fell down your check as you held me close.
Knowing that it would be a really long time before we would get
          to hold each other and see each other again.

          I close my eyes and I remember the starry night...
The starry night sky we stood under together and you kissed me for the first time.
      I can't help but smile and remember each time I see the stars.

    I close my eyes and I remember the sound of your heartbeat...
After a long hard day I dream about the night I can fall asleep
next to you with my head on your chest listening to the sound of
                      your strong steady heartbeat.

I miss you my love. Every time I close my eyes you are there. I miss my strong man. We have made it so far and we will make it to the end. I wish with everything inside of me I could hold you tonight. But I am so thankful I have a life time to make up for the moments we have missed. Stay safe my love. I will see you soon. :-*

6 Months

It is crazy how time does fly. I can't believe it was 6 months ago that I dropped Thomas off on base and said goodbye. A part of me feels like it was just yesterday. All the feelings and emotions are still around. The hard part is knowing that he isn't anywhere close to being home again. I can't believe the last time I got to talk to him and see his face at the same time was in July for 15 minutes over the satellite video teleconference. I think that is the part that makes it so hard. Not getting a chance to see his face regularly and missing hearing his voice. I really hate that the video I have of him on my computer got erased when I had to fix my computer. 

It hasn't been easy. There have been good days and bad ones. Sometimes bad weeks. I am so thankful though for the friends I have made and the really sweet memories I do have these past 6 months. 

My first big trip of the summer was to go to Tennessee to visit my grandparents for a week and my awesome friend Keilah. I loved spending time with my grandparents. They helped me finish a quilt I had been working on and start work on the second. I loved hearing all the stories about my family from my grandma and the walks I got to take with my grandpa. Sweet memories.

Got to spend some time with these two awesome ladies for a whole week! Loved every minute of it. Still can't believe we are old enough to be married and have babies :-) 

I got to go out to Pennsylvania and see my family for my little sister's graduation from the Discipleship Program at Miracle Mountain Missions Ranch. First time we had all been back together in 2 years. A long over due visit. Had a lot of fun being back together as a family. 

Also had some fun back in Virginia with my family after Laura's graduation. I got to visit Maymont in Richmond with my mom, Laura and Bradley. Got to tour the gardens and see the mansion as well. 

Maymont

 I also got to go and visit Williamsburg with my mom. Got to spend the whole day together just the two of us. Haven't gotten to do that in a very long time. I  was so thankful for the time together. 

Me eating at the King's Tavern in Williamsburg. Don't have any of me and mom but just know she was sitting on the other side of me :-) 

I also got to go hiking a couple of different times this summer as well. My favorite hike was going to Wallace Falls near Monroe. It was a beautiful day to go as well. 

Last but not least I got a chance to run in my first 5K run. It was really awesome for the fact that I got to be a part of raising $10,000 for building for a well in Africa. I got to run with my sweet friends Racael and Carmen. Will for sure be looking to try and run in a 5K again. Just have to let my leg heal. I managed to injure it some how back in August and it is still giving me problems. Hoping if I stay away from running until January it might heal on its own. We shall see. :-) 

I heard a song a couple of days ago that I have fallen in love with. Oceans by Hillsong. I just love the lyrics and just how it fits with where my heart is right now in the middle of deployment. 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

God has stretched me beyond what I have thought possible this past 6 months. Each day God wakes me up and helps me get out of bed. There are so many days I would just love to sit in my pjs and just hide from the world. I hate that I have to work so hard just to get through simple tasks. God and I have had our rough patches this deployment. Sometimes I am just numb to everything around me, but he draws me back in and reminds me that he is there carrying me. He is good and He is faithful. I am thankful He never gives up on me. 

I love my husband so very much. Every day I pray that he stays safe and that soon I will get to hug him and hug him and see his handsome smiling face. One day at a time.